But if I ever write a book about the Zombie Apocalypse, at least I'll have a setting . . .

Zombie picture by Jeremy Keith

One of the fun things about writing a novel is all of the research you get to do.  Okay, it's not all fun. For example, you don't how long I spent on the internet trying to find out what a flash grenade would do to night vision goggles. Apparently this is the one piece of information the internet doesn't know. I had to call Litton, the makers of night vision goggles three times trying to get someone to tell me.

No dice.

The receptionist didn't know, and the engineers didn't return my phone calls. Finally I called a Navy Seal. He called back. End of the story--I had to cut flash grenades from the scene.

But a lot of research is more fun.  I needed to find a mall in the DC area for some characters to meet at.  My husband suggested the Springfield Mall because it was a hot spot back when he grew up in the area.  We looked at the reviews for the mall to see if it had theaters.

And I was soo glad we did.  Apparently the Springfield Mall is now "Old, decrepit, decaying, and abandoned." (And that was from a five star review)  Here are six other actual reviews of the mall that made me laugh outloud:


1) Springfield Mall is like a shopping experience, magic show, and workout all rolled into one. You show up looking to buy something, go into a store, and when you come out the store next to it magically closed while you were shopping. This mall is dropping stores like audition week of American Idol.

To top all of that, all the stores worth shopping are at opposite ends of the mall. So you have to journey through the boarded up ghost town like it's post apocalypse VA.

Go to this mall at your own risk! If you see something in a store BUY IT, if you leave it until you come back the WHOLE store may be gone.

2) This mall gets two stars for Dairy Queen.

Negative two stars for only having 20 stores out of 200 storefronts

Extra one star for being the best location for some sort of zombie movie.

3) I remember back in the day this mall was a respectable location . . . However, over the years it just got worse and worse until I couldn't stand going there anymore and look at all the empty halls and dead interior; it makes me depressed since some of my best memories were going there as a kid.

P.S. Don't park in the Parking Garage for the love of God

(That does make me wonder what goes on in the parking garage . . .)

4) Just happy to be alive and well after having to meet someone at this mall from Craigslist...I know...suspicious right?...I was buying something off of him!....noooo not THAT!...a cell phone..sheesh!
The guy was super cute...I Facebooked him and darn "info" he was...married...or I would have totally taken my chances at this empty mall....sheesh people I a just kidding!...but yeah, close this darn place! it gives you the jibby jibbeesss!

5) Hands down the greatest mall to ever grace this earth.  OK I know its more drywall than store now but there are too many good memories in this place to not give it 5 stars.   

I have seen people "making love" in the back hallways, a fight between two fellows, one wielding mace and the other a screwdriver.  You have to pay for that kind of entertainment these days.   

Too much hate and not enough love for this mall, I hope it never gets torn down.

6) Ahhh, the mall that time forgot.  They will put up drywall in front of a storefront faster than anything I've ever seen.  I truly believe that magic drywall elves come out at night to board up where stores used to be.  I picture them singing some sort of song while they do it too...

But I digress...

Mall Positives:

- Not at all crowded

- Decent parking options

- Target is well stocked

- JCPenney has a decent selection

- Kiosk coffee place (Cuppy's) on first floor has good coffee

Mall Negatives:

- Over half the spaces are not used

- Odd Macy's there

- Oddly placed foodcourt

- A bit frightened of the drywall elves

Needless to say, I sent my characters to a different mall instead.  But if I ever write a story about the Zombie Apocalypse or a tribe of drywall elves, I've got the perfect setting. . .

You know you're an Arizonan in July if . . .

I live in Arizona which means that for the next three months, I will always win in the game of Who-Is-Having-the-Worst-Summer-Weather. Here are the ten reasons that illustrate why you should feel sorry for me.

 You know you're an Arizonan in July if . . .

1)      You’re not sure whether you’re having hot flashes or whether it’s just summer.

2)      A hundred degree forecast is a cold front.

3)      No matter what you set your washing machine’s temperature at, it comes out hot.

4)      Your car doubles as both a sauna and a sweat lodge.

5)      The butter tray becomes a butter puddle-holder unless it’s kept in fridge.

6)      You can’t actually fry an egg on the sidewalk, but you’ve tried.

7)      You can actually burn the bottom of your feet on the sidewalk.

8)      You have to blow dry your hair fast, or nature will do it for you.

9)      Hot chocolate loses all appeal (almost).

10)   Regular chocolate becomes hot chocolate within the time you buy it and the time you rip it open in your car.

(Funny how so many of my blogs end with chocolate. Okay, maybe not funny, just fitting . . . or not fitting if we're talking about my skinny jeans.)

More doll wrecks

Those of you who are faithful followers of this blog know that I have a thing for dolls. I was clearly doll-deprived as a child and have therefore made up for it by buying enough for three childhoods now.  Dolls sit around my house perched in cabinets and on my dresser (and according to one of my daughters watch us in a creepy manner).

The thing I love about dolls though is that they are like clean, obedient little children.  A beautiful doll embodies all the tender, precious things about motherhood.

With that in mind, you would think that people who are creating baby dolls would make tender, precious dolls--and usually they do.  If you look on ebay right now under "reborn dolls" you'll find hundreds of gorgeous, one of a kind dolls.  Here are a couple of good examples of reborn dolls.

Aren't they sweet? Don't you want to take them home? 

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

Unfortunately not all dolls or doll artists live up to these high standards. When I saw the next dolls listed, I didn't really get that  "warm" and "precious" vibe.  They seemed to be saying something altogether different. 

This doll is saying, "Get that @#$*& camera out of my face!" Either that, or he ate something that didn't agree with him.  Either way, this isn't a motherhood moment I'd want to pay money for.

The description for this doll said, "So lifelike!" Yeah, only if in real life your kids are ugly. If so, sorry, that hat isn't going to make junior's life any better.

This doll clearly just received terrible news. Did someone cancel Sesame Street?

The next doll says, well, your baby isn't all that bright. You don't need to set up that trust fund for Harvard quite yet.

And this is his future girlfriend.

You see this doll and wonder what has been put in his bottle, because he seems to suffering from a hangover.

This doll says start saving for that Harvard trust fund right away, because junior can already tell he's smarter than you. As soon as he's able to reach the keyboard he'll be sending out advertisements for parents more to his liking.  And by the way, you're out of Grey Poupon again.

And his sister doesn't think much of you either.

Okay, this next doll isn't a reborn doll. It's just a regular doll. I'm adding it because I think my daughter might be right about this one. He is watching you in a creepy manner.  (*shivers*)

If you want to see the links for my past doll wrecks blogs they're: http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/02/doll-wrecks.html

http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-doll-wrecks.html

The problem with public restrooms

I know what you’re thinking after reading that title. The sentence shouldn’t say, "problem", it should say "problems" because there are clearly many things wrong with public restrooms. At least that’s what you’re thinking if you’re a woman. If you’re a man, it may have never occurred to you that there are any issues at all—and that is the root of the problems with public restrooms. I'm not talking about dirt, empty toilet paper roll dispensers, and such. I'm talking about the fact that men clearly designed these places. And anyone who thinks urinals are an acceptable way to relieve oneself is not going to design a bathroom that women want to use.

Between a wedding and a family reunion, I’ve been traveling around a lot in the last two weeks, so this is an open letter of protest to whoever is building women’s restrooms.

Dir Sir,

1. Restrooms are not a place where men and women are equal. Due to that gift of nature that makes women want to rip off your head once a month, women need to use the restrooms more frequently than men. Build bigger bathrooms for women. Because having to wait in long lines makes us want to rip your head off even more.

2. Hand sensors at the sink are more trouble than they're worth. In theory sensors are a good idea. They would be a great idea if every restroom had them, but since some don’t, I find myself automatically holding my hands out underneath the faucet and waiting there like some desert traveler begging for water. And then I feel foolish when the person next to me walks up and flips the faucet handle on. A public restroom is not the place where I want to explain to strangers that I'm neither crazy nor incompetent when it comes to plumbing--I've just been conditioned, like one of Pavlov's famous pets, to stand there with my hands outstretched waiting for something to happen.

Also the faucet sensor is an especially annoying feature if you happen to knock your camera into the sink with your purse while you are wrestling paper towels out of a recalcitrant paper towel dispenser. This is not a time when you want the faucet to automatically turn on.

3. Automatic flush sensors at the toilet. This is a feature that men probably think women like. This is because men have never used these sorts of toilets in conjunction with the tissue paper toilet seat covers. Men, let me clue you into what happens when you use the two things together.

Step one: pull out the tissue paper cover from the wall receptacle.

Step two: tear out the middle so it will fit on the toilet.

Step three: carefully place the now ready tissue paper over the toilet seat to protect yourself from germs, grime, and the invisible toilet monsters that lurk in public restrooms.

Step four: start to do the necessary undressing.

Step five: watch as the toilet sensor decides the tissue paper constitutes something that needs to be flushed and whisks it and the water down the bowl.

Step six: repeat

        4. Hand sensors on the paper towel dispenser. Are you noticing a theme? You should. I frequently look like I'm practicing a jazz hands routine while I wave pointlessly at the paper towel dispenser. Either I am actually a vampire and have no body heat, or those sensors are temperamental things that hang onto their hoard of paper towels with Scrooge-like diligence.

Well, I'm back home now. Back to work and deadlines and my real life, but thankfully also back to my non-sensored bathroom.

More proof that authors are crazy

Authors are clearly crazy. Think about it. We make up a bunch of people and then write long drawn out conversations between them. Sometimes we have them kill each other and we cry over their demise. Craziness, pure and simple.

Authors also do things like spend months working on a project in the hope that some day, someone will want to pay them for it. Would truck drivers do this? Would plumbers? I think not.

But in case you needed more proof, take the case of Ray Dolin, who was working on a book called Kindness in America. He faked a drive by shooting in order to promote the book. Um, yeah, I'm willing to do a lot of things to promote my books, but shooting myself is not one of them. I have--in the spirit of promotion--offered to shoot my editor. I mean, I bet that would make people remember the book. But alas, thus far none of my editors has been willing to take one for the team, so to speak.

The sad thing about all of this is that even though Ray Dolin's hoax was discovered, his book has gotten an awful lot of publicity over the event. And what works for one author, other authors are sure to implement. I'm afraid this will lead to a rash of author shootings. ALA may turn into the equivalent of the old west. (Make sure you keep your distance from James Dashner and Robison Wells for a while. Both of them frequently have that crazed look in their eyes . . .)

Although I'm determined to stay out of the line of fire, I'm trying to think of ways to take my promotion to the next level. My next book is a time travel dystopia. So I've decided to time travel to promote the book. Anyone who knows how to get hold of Dr. Who's phone booth, let me know.

Things not to write in the wedding book

 My oldest daughter (code name Serena, after her favorite cartoon character) is getting married this week. My baby. If I had Prozac, I would be taking it. Instead I am consuming large amounts of chocolate, which probably doesn't work as well as Prozac but tastes much better. Utah readers, if you're coming to the reception bring me some Almond Joys as I'll be stuck in the receiving line and therefore unable to hang out by the chocolate fountain with a mug.

Anyway, in honor of the happy nuptials I'm going to rerun my list of the top ten things not to write in the bride and groom's wedding book. (That I originally posted for my niece's wedding.)

 I've never known what to write in the guest book. I mean, it's a keepsake that the bride and groom will cherish forever and you want to write something deep, meaningful, and unique but after standing with the pen poised in your hand for long enough that the line backs up, you finally scrawl out, "Best Wishes!" and move on.

 So our family got to talking about that . Or rather, we talked about the things that you should not write in the bride and groom's guest book. Here is the top ten list of things you shouldn't write:

1. This was really nice for your first wedding.
2. It's not too late for a pre-nup.
3. The office pool is giving you two years.
4. And who says you can't find nice bridal dresses at Walmart?
5. Apparently she couldn't have done better.
6. We don't actually know you. We just came for the food.
7. He must be a good catch; his first three wives had no complaints, God rest their souls.
8. For your wedding gift I got you that supply of penicillin.
9. At last, you found a way to get your green card!
10. Don't worry. Her ex didn't make parole.

In one minute: Why you should keep a journal

I love this freeze frame. It looks like my expression after my husband tells me that the dog has a stomach ailment--but no, I'm actually talking about why you should keep a journal.

The worst pick up lyrics Award 2012

Last year I created the Enrique Iglesia Memorial Worst Pickup Lyrics in a Song Award. The award bears Enrique's name due to his touching and romantic song:  I Want To--insert the crassest term you can think of here--You Tonight.

I'm not sure there's enough money or fame to make that line work on most women, but apparently Enrique isn't all that picky.

(To see the five contending songs for last years award, you can follow this link: http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/04/vote-for-worst-song-pick-up-lines_26.html )

I was going to post popular songs here and have readers vote on them, but truly I'm not sure any songs can compete with Train's Drive By lyrics. It just wins, hands down as the ultimate stalker song. Don't get me wrong.  I love the tune. It has 27 million views on Youtube and most of them are mine.  But what was Train thinking when they wrote the lyrics? Here's how the song goes:

On the other side of a street I knew, stood a girl that looked like you. I guess that's deja vu. But I thought this can't be true, cause you moved to west L.A or New York or Santa Fe or wherever to get away from me.

What? Listen Train, if you have girls moving across the country in order to avoid you, this is a clear indication that you're doing something very wrong in the romance department.

Oh but that one night was more than just right. I didn't leave you cause I was all through. Oh I was overwhelmed, and frankly scared as h*ll, because I really fell for you.

Wait--the girl in question moved across country after only one night?  Someone was scared as h*ll and it wasn't you. Have you checked recently to see if your photograph might be among those listed on the FBI's  most wanted site?

Oh I swear to you, I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.

A drive by . . . as in a shooting?  Given the other lyrics, maybe this is not the best phrase to use . . .


Just a shy guy looking for a two ply hefty bag to hold my love.

People use two ply hefty bags to hold many things--love aint one of them. Body parts, yeah, those would fit.

When you move me everything is groovy. They don't like it sue me. Mmm the way you do me.
Oh I swear to you I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.

They don't like it sue me?  Exactly how many times have people brought legal action against you for your romantic behavior?  And is the phrase "I'll be there for you," supposed to make the girl feel better?  Dude, she moved across the country and didn't tell you where.  Get the hint. The last thing she wants is for you to be anywhere around.

The song goes on. Sadly the lyrics don't get any better.  They leave the listener wanting to yell at the poor girl, "Run!  Run! Flee as fast as you can!"

So I think I'm going to have to just award Train the Enrique Award. However, I'm willing to be open minded. If you know of a popular song with worst lyrics, by all means, let me know.

Comicon, where else can you chat with the Grim Reaper

Friday and Saturday I did panels at the Phoenix Comicon. I've got to say, it was a memorable experience.  Here I am chatting with the Grim Reaper. Turns out that Grim is a fan. Who knew, right? I guess even Death needs a laugh once in awhile.

Here I am with my fairy wings, getting ready for my panel on the fair folk with awesome authors, Janni Lee Simner and Aprilynne Pike.  Great panel and pretty well attended considering  it was at the same time as William Shatner's panel. (It never fails; whenever I teach at a conference, my class falls at the same time as a class I want to go to.)  But this is what made my outfit extra awesome.  Author and jewelry maker Shelia Nielson made me a Chrysanthemum Everstar fairy necklace.  Here is a closer view of it:

And if you're reading this before midnight Sunday night head on over to her blog because she's giving away a really cool mermaid necklace to go with her book Forbidden Sea. (I'm already jealous of whoever wins it.)
http://www.windwaithemermaid.blogspot.com/2012/05/forbidden-sea-mermaid-contest-giveaway.html

Why I hate graduation decorations

Okay, here's the horrible thing about parenting.  You put in 18 years of work, love, and care into your children--nurturing them from the time they were nothing but a lump of cells, and then when your children graduate from high school--Bam!--they leave home. FOREVER.

I see no reason to celebrate this event. I cried for two weeks when my oldest daughter graduated. When my oldest son graduated, I sobbed all day--and I knew he was living at home while he went to college for the first year.

My point is, why do retailers think we need balloons and streamers to remind us of the impending end of childhood?

This is what retailers think I see when I walk into the grocery store:

This is what I actually see:

Yeah, and that in a nutshell (or a piece of cake) is why I hate graduation decorations.

In Which I lose again

It's that special time of year--the time when I lose the Whitney Award to someone else. (This year, to Rob Wells for his book Variant.) As is the tradition (that I started, by the way. I am an experienced loser.) the losers gather after the event to drown their sorrow in cheesecake and to glower.  Personally, I think it's the funnest thing that happens at the Whitneys.

Here I am with the lovely Michele Holmes, Julie Wright, Jenni James, Jessica Day George and Theresa Sneed. A fine class of losers if I do say so myself.

And here's another picture where Melanie Jacobson joined us in the cheesecake circle.  You can see Dan Wells is trying to sneak into the picture--because yes, we are that cool. But he is totally not part of our in crowd. True, he lost his category, but then he went and blew his photo op opportunity by winning best book. Whatever, Dan. Maybe you can join us next year.

In which I hop and give away a fairy godmother

Actually, I'm not hopping--you are. Which is a good thing because frankly I'm too tired.  Inspired Kathy, who put this blog hop together, told me that I'm not allowed to give you long lists of things to do in order to enter my give-away.  However, she didn't say I couldn't require you to walk into your nearest bookstore, grab one of my novels to your bosom and shout, "At long last I'll own a Janette Rallison novel! I can die happy now!"

Yeah, do that.

And also leave a comment telling me a fairy tale you'd like to see in my next fairy godmother book. Once I get done with the four novels I'm working on now (Yes, four. Someone shoot me.)I'll need to figure out where Chrysanthemum Everstar will send the next poor hapless girl she's trying to help.

May the magic ever be in your favor.

Deep thoughts while I wait for Friday

Inspired Kathy just emailed me to remind me that I signed up for a blog-hop giveaway on Friday. At first I was a little reluctant to do a blog hop, as hopping sounds dangerously close to exercising, and I do enough of that wandering around the house trying to find my car keys. (Don't laugh. One day you will be old, too.)

I didn't want to put up some time-consuming and perhaps meaningful post just to rip it down Thursday night. So instead, I will leave you with a few deep thoughts that I'm sure you'll want to ponder until then.


Are entrances automatically entrancing?

Shouldn't 12:00 pm follow 11:00 pm?

If caterpillars turn into butterflies, what turns into margarine-flies?

How did Harry Potter ever find his invisibility cloak once he set it down?

If all books become ebooks, will trees that are no longer being chopped down for paper still not make a sound when they fall in the forest?

Will I be able write an 80,000 word book by Sept. 1?

That is the most questionable question of all . . .

Book Signings

My first book signing happened a few months after I'd given birth to 13 pounds of twins. So beforehand, I went shopping to find a magical dress that would hide the fact that I still looked like I was carrying around an undisclosed child in my stomach.

I still remember the sales clerk's reaction when I told her about the event.  She looked at me dreamily and said, "I've always wanted to do a book signing."

I've thought about that statement several times over the years. During some signings, I wish I'd taken her name and number and hired her to do mine for me.

Because yes, some of them really are that bad.  Once only one person walked into the bookstore during the entire signing. (On the bright side, I did sell him a book, so in that regard it was my only 100% successful signing.)  Another time the bookstore obviously forgot I was coming. They'd done no advertising and just set me up in a chair in the corner of the store and ignored me. And I'll never forget the time I brought a pen with golden ink so my signature would be distinctive. It was distinctive all right. It leaked all over the books.

If you have a bucket list with Do a Book Signing written on it, let me save you some trouble. Choose a store, set up a table, and sit there for an hour or two while people rush by you avoiding eye contact. Then cross book signing right off your bucket list.

That said, I'll be doing two book signings in the next week. Yes, actually I am a glutton for punishment, why do you ask? (No, I'm just joking about that. Both places I'm signing are awesome, or trust me, I wouldn't have agreed to it.)

Utah friends:

Friday, May 4th 5:00-6:30 p.m.
The Provo Marriott Hotel
101 West 100 North
 Provo, Utah 84601

A ton of other authors will be there too. Literally, a ton. Although none as wonderful as me, so don't you dare go stand in their lines first. Just saying . . .

Arizona  friends:

Monday, May 7th at 7:00
Changing Hands Bookstore
6428 S McClintock Dr.
Tempe, AZ 85283

Authors Shelley Coriell and Amy Dominy will also be there. Changing Hands is promoting us as Funny Girlz, so one of us should do something amusing. I'm voting for Shelley, because she's a new author and therefore should be subjected to hazing.

Truth in advertising, why writers are needed

This morning when I got the strawberries out of the fridge, I noticed that the package said they were “limited edition”.  I hate to disagree with packaging, but how can strawberries be limited editions?   Does this mean I should expect strawberries to disappear from the grocery store shelves soon? The earth made them for a few millennia, but it will be discontinuing them?

Or did the package mean that those particular strawberries won’t be around long? Eat them now before they mold.  If so, doesn’t that go without saying?

It made me think about all the other inaccurate packaging that products use.  For example:

Good and Plenty

Good yes, but only plenty if you have no children. If you have children, they will descend on you as soon as they hear the sound of the box opening and you will end up with only three pieces of candy. Perhaps they should have gone with Good and Adequate If You Don’t Have a Sweet Tooth.

Life cereal.

Who came up with this product name and why?  I’m guessing it’s probably because we all wish our life was like Lucky Charms—full of rainbow marshmallows that are magically delicious—but instead life is actually more like crumbly little squares that aren’t nearly as sweet as we’d like.  It's life, baby, get used to it.

Hershey’s Kisses

Unfortunately, these kisses are a little too waxy tasting. It makes me wonder who Hershey was kissing. If someone is going to be kissing my lips, I want it to be Lindt. Almond Roca would be acceptable too.

Thin Mints

These have yet to make me thin, although I keep trying.  (You can see this blog has swerved into thoughts on chocolate and will probably not leave. Chocolate. Mmmm.)

Snickers

I love the candy bar but it makes you wonder what other names were tossed out in the marketing meeting before they decided on this one:  Scorns? Scoffs? Disdainful Deriding? General Mockery?

What is this candy bar really trying to say, and does it have anything to do with what people think of your rear end after you eat too many?

Almond Joys

Okay, this packaging has it right.  I’m pretty sure this is what joy actually tastes like.

Suddenly, I have an overwhelming urge to eat chocolate. But anyway, this is just one more example of how writers are clearly needed in the world.

Write on, folks.

So you've written your book--now what?

One of my most common emails (that I get, not that I send--just clarifying) is from people who have completed their novel and they want to know what to do next.

My first response is: rewrite it.

I don't tell people that because I don't want to discourage them. They'll get plenty of discouragement from agents/editors/publishers. Besides, for all I know said optimistic writer has already rewritten the thing 17 times.

I usually tell people about agentquery.com It's a great resource for authors. You can search agents by genre and the site gives you all sorts of useful information like the agent's submission guidelines and what sort of chocolate to send in order to bribe them. Okay, the website doesn't really tell you about agents' favorite chocolate, but it should. If I was an agent, that's the first thing I'd have listed there.

Anyway, here is the checklist I should give people before they submit anything.

1) Have you read any books on writing? If the answer is no, you're not ready to submit. If the answer is yes, but you've only read one or two, you're also probably not ready to submit. Writing is like playing the piano. Most people who are self-taught are not going to be all that good at it.

Here are some great writing books for novelists:

Self-editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King
Techniques of the Selling Writer by Dwight Swain
Scene & Structure by Jack Bickham (Actually anything by Jack Bickham)
GMC Goal, Motivation, and Conflict by Deborah Dixon (You need to go to the publisher's website for this one.)
Anything by Gary Provost
Character and Viewpoint by Orson Scott Card

If you write non-fiction or picture books, get and read the books that pertain to those genres. Ditto for romance books, westerns, whatever. Blogs on writing are also very helpful. For example, if you need to write an action scene involving angry grapefruit, you'll want to read my last blog.

2) How many times have you gone over the manuscript yourself?

If the answer is twice, you're not ready to submit. For first time novels, you need to send that baby out to lots of readers for critiques. Don't just send it to your mom or friends. They'll tell you that it's great--and they might even believe it. After all, they love you. You need to have a network of fellow writers or well-read friends that can give you tough love. If you don't have that, pay for it. Revising is the difference between selling and not selling.

3) How long have you let the manuscript sit, unread?

If it's only a few days or a couple of weeks, you're not ready to submit. One of the truly weird things about writing is that you can't see your own mistakes when you write them. This goes for missing words but it also applies to unclear dialogue, bad description, etc. The story works beautifully in our minds, and so that's what we see on the paper. Let your manuscript sit for a month. Two or three months is better. (Which is why it's great to send a manuscript to an editor and then not get the revision letter for a couple of months. By that time you can look at it with fresh eyes.)


4) Have you ever gone to a writers' workshop or conference?

If not, why not? If you want to publish you probably should go to a conference that addresses your genre. You'll meet people who know about the industry. You'll get advice from pros, and you'll get tips about what's selling and what's not. If paranormal is a hard sell (which it is right now, by the way) and you're pitching your paranormal romance, you may run into problems. Not knowing why something is rejected is one of the most frustrating things about this business. Stay up to date about what's going on.

Besides, a good writers' conference will energize you. That's why people go back year after year.

5) Have you bought all my books?

Actually, this step might not really help you, but it would help me so I'm including it.

Happy submitting!

What I'm doing now

You'd think that after writing twenty plus novels it wouldn't be hard anymore. Maybe it wouldn't be if I kept writing the same novel over and over again. (Hey it worked for Barbara Cartland . . .) But unfortunately I keep writing different novels and the one I'm working on right now is an action novel. Yep, action.

Action, I've decided, is hard for me to write. I mean it's such a visual thing in a non visual medium. Plus, I've never really cared about fight scenes or car chases. Give me witty banter or romantic smoldering looks any day.

I was trying to make my daughter help me with a good guy-bad guy fight scene for the Erasing Time sequel and needed something to stand in for my people, so I grabbed a marker and some grapefruit that were on the counter.

Yes, This is what I've resorted to:


I'm pretty sure Ian Fleming didn't use this method. Sigh. And in case you're wondering, the pineapple is just an innocent bystander.

The bribery continues

First off, let me say that I really thought I was through bribing blog readers to do random things. I mean, I never intended this blog to be like those What-would-you-do-for-a-Klondike-bar commercials. Although it isn't readily apparent, I have more class than that . . . at least some of the time.

But this time what I'm asking you to do will be really easy. Two seconds of your time.

My engaged daughter called me yesterday to tell me she was chosen as one of the five finalists for a wedding give-away and asked me to ask my friends to vote for her and the son-in-law-apparent. (You know you want to see his picture anyway)

Sooo in a shameless attempt to buy votes I'll be giving away paperbacks of My Fair Godmother (because I have a ton of them) Vote. Leave a comment telling me you did. And I'll give-away a copy of MFG for every four comments I get. In other words, if I have 20 commenters, I'll give away 5 copies of the book. Your chances are good--so take 2 seconds and vote for Asenath and Alex--number 4 at this link:

https://inspiredgiveaway.wufoo.com/forms/q7x3a1/

Oops--the voting doesn't actually have their picture. To see that go to: http://inspiredweddinggiveaway.blogspot.com/
and scroll down to number four. Why does my daughter appear to be checking to see if her fiance has a heartbeat? I have no idea, but there are rumors of vampirism . . .

11 Ways not to start your novel

I'm about to read a lot of first pages from hopeful authors. I've done countless critiques over the years, and so I both look forward to and dread this job.

Opening up the pages of a book is a bit like opening up the front door for a blind date--except that it requires no effort on your part . . . such as doing your hair, or sucking in your stomach so you look thinner, or whatever else you do on your blind dates. (Really, it's none of my business, and I don't want to know.)

The point is, you're hoping for something good and you're often disappointed. In the gentle-hearted spirit that I am well known for (Oh, all right, Sarah Eden still refers to me as Attila the Hun because of a certain edit I did for her) I'm going to offer fellow writers a few tips.

Here are a few ways not to start your novel.

1) With your character waking up.

I wake up at least once a day. You could say I am a veteran at waking up. I never like it when I do it, and I probably won't like it when your character does it either. Give me something more exciting.

2) With your character running away from someone or something.

One would think that this would nicely take care of my first objection, and it would--if I hadn't already seen it about a hundred times. A good chase scene is nice, but not at the beginning of a book because A) I don't know enough about your character to care if they get away and B)I'm pretty certain your main character won't be killed off in the opening scene as that would make for a very short novel. So it isn't really a high tension opening anyway.

3) With huge chunks of back-story.

Yeah, I know, Charles Dickens gave us character life sketches right off, but styles change and this sort of thing doesn't work now. We also don't wear top hats anymore. Go figure.

4) With action that is so confusing I don't know what the heck is going on.

Sometimes an opening starts with people being bombed, or someone being attacked, or just people sitting around talking about other people. Whatever it is, it has to make sense. I'm already doing the brain-intensive job of transforming printed words into a lush and vivid landscape in my mind. Make it easy for me. This isn't the place to be obscure or mysterious.

5) With so many characters I can't keep them straight.

It's always better to start with a limited amount of characters until the reader has time to get people straight. Opening with lots of characters feels like one of those parties where you meet fifteen people at once and you know that no matter how hard you try you won't be able to remember any of their names tomorrow.

6) With a mean character.

Hey, if I'm going to step into a character's skin and be that person for hours or days, I don't want to be someone I don't like. Ditto for stupid characters. And while you're at it, please make me pretty too.

7) With a run-on sentence.

This is akin to getting your first glimpse of your blind date and noticing his shirt is dirty. If he didn't take the time to fix that, the rest of him is probably not going to be much better.

8) With a statement that doesn't have anything to do with anything else.

For example, if you start your first chapter with the sentence: Betty's ghost was not the forgiving type. (Which, by the way, is a great first line. I should use it sometime.)You should let us know about the ghost and why it's holding grudges fairly quickly. Don't go on and on describing Veronica and her trip to the mall. Your reader will be gritting her teeth and thinking, "Who's Betty? Did Veronica kill her? What is her part in all of this? Is this author trying to irritate me?"

Probably not, but the result is the same anyway.

9) With a bland sentence.

I have enough bland sentences in my life already. They're sort of like dust and they settle on everything. If the first sentence isn't good, what are the chances I'm going to find captivating ones later on?

10) With a flashback.

If you need to flashback in the first scene, you probably haven't started your book in the right place. Plus, editors and agents tend to hate flashbacks. Many of them were bitten by flashbacks at some point in life, so you really can't blame them for this prejudice.

11) With the phrase,"The early summer sky was the color of cat vomit." (Apologies to Scott Westerfeld) Okay, it's original, but I have a large supply of cats, and now any time one of them throws up, I think, "Um no . . . I don't think I've ever actually seen the sky that color . . . I wonder what Scott's cats have been eating?"

You just don't want to do that to your reader.

My First Kiss

My first kiss was a bit usual. As a teenager, I loved drama (the kind on stage, not the kind that happened with a bunch of mean girls whispering at their lockers) and when I was 15 I was in a play where my character kissed a guy. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16, so kissing wasn’t a familiar activity for me.

Granted, I had thought about kissing. Well, worried about it actually. Because according to the massive amounts of romance novels I had read, the first kiss was really important. Apparently you were supposed to feel all sorts of mystical fire-like sensations that left you dizzy and incoherent.

Plus, I had heard all sorts of horrible tales about people who were bad kissers and the social damage this produced. The problem was, I had no way of knowing whether I was a bad kisser or not. It’s not really the sort of thing you can practice beforehand.

What exactly was a person supposed to do with their lips the whole time? No one had ever told me this vital information.

I don’t remember why I took the part of the girl who kissed a guy in the school play. Perhaps I didn’t thoroughly read the script. Perhaps I thought that the drama coach wouldn’t actually have me kiss a guy—just like drama coaches don’t actually make characters kill other characters in the production.

But no, the teacher wanted a real kiss. And that meant we had to practice the kiss. There is probably no more awkward way to have a first kiss than to have it in a lit auditorium in front of your peers while a teacher yells out stage direction.

Yeah.


That said, I offer my public apologies to Blake Limburg who was a very nice guy and much more adept at kissing than I was. I don’t think I was ever able to look him in the eyes again.

Thankfully, fiction isn’t real life, so my characters have much better first kiss experiences. Here’s Cassidy’s first kiss in my new ebook, Blue Eyes and Other Teenage Hazards.

(SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know which guy Cassidy kisses until you read the book, don't read this scene.)


Josh was still studying me. “You’re not mad at Elise for going after Bob, are you?”

“No. He’s just a friend.”

“Oh.” Josh nodded, considering this. “Is there anyone you like more than a friend?”

My gaze went to Josh’s. Why was he asking? Was he just making small talk or did he have a personal interest in the subject? He was looking at me intently, his blue eyes locked on mine.

I shrugged. “There might be.”

“Anyone I know?”

“Maybe. You know a lot of people.”

Josh put his arm on the back of his seat, his fingers nearly brushing against my shoulder. “What’s he like, this guy?”

Normally I wouldn’t have admitted to anything, but I was tired of all my moments with Josh being ordinary, safe. This was one I was going to seize. “He’s the usual sort of guy that girls get crushes on. Smart. Funny. Really responsible.”

“That’s the usual sort? Why don’t I have girls swarming me?”

“He’s also tall, dark, and handsome,” I added, “Plus he’s got these gorgeous eyes—all deep blue and mystical.” I looked away from him then. I couldn’t keep looking at the eyes I’d just described.

Josh leaned a little closer to me. “A rich guy with a sports car?”

“Not really.”

Josh nodded, his gaze still intense. “Would I approve of you with this guy?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Would you?” I let my gaze slide to his then, just long enough to see him smile. I wasn’t going to say more. I wasn’t about to admit to everything when he hadn’t admitted to anything yet.

“I think I might approve of this guy.” Josh kept smiling. His voice was soft now, as lulling as the heater. “You said Bob didn’t kiss you. Have you ever been kissed?”

“Sure, if you count the time in the fourth grade when Jonny Miller cornered me in the coat closet.”

“No, I’m talking about a real kiss.” Josh moved even closer to me. “You’ll always remember your first real kiss.”

I thought about asking him if he remembered his first real kiss, but on second thought, I didn’t want to hear about any of his past kisses. “You’re probably right,” I said.

“If I was to kiss you now, I’d go down in your personal hall of fame. The opportunity is irresistible.”

And then he kissed me, and it was a real kiss. He pulled me closer. His lips were soft against mine, a question—one that I wanted to answer. In essay form.

http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Other-Teenage-Hazards-ebook/dp/B006HN8MSG/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1330969137&sr=1-1