Sunday, February 06, 2011

Doll Wrecks

Anyone who's ever been to my house knows that I have a thing for dolls. Baby dolls, fashion dolls, American Girl Dolls. Truth be told, my daughter’s Magic Attic dolls have better wardrobes than I do—and more expensive ones too. But that’s a completely different subject.

The point is, I occasionally look at dolls on the Internet. You can find some dolls that are works of art on eBay, and they fetch artwork prices. For example, take a look at this one of kind “reborn” doll that is currently going for 820.00

Amazing right? Or how about this one?

I’m convinced some of the artists are just snapping pictures of their kids and posting them as dolls. But some of the one-of-a-kind dolls aren’t as charming as the first two I’ve shown you. In the constructive spirit of the Cake Wreck blog I'd like to offer some don'ts to the doll artists of the world.


Don't make your baby doll look like it is posing for a mug shot. This doll brings to mind all of those pictures of celebrities who are being carted off to jail for drunken behaviour. Is that the role model we want for Junior? I think not.

Don't make your dolls look like they are some sort of half-human half-alien cross breed. One can't help but think that these dolls might come to life sometime during the night and zap you back to their mother ship.


Crying dolls can be cute, but there is a difference between a few pleasantly pouty tears and a face that is scrunched up like the doll is suffering from a ruptured spleen. Really, this is not a moment in childhood that I would want to capture and keep.

My cousin once told me that all babies looked cuter if they had hair. Sadly, this is not true with dolls. There are some things hair is not going to fix. Like this next one.

And sometimes hair can actually make a doll look worse. Take for example, this one:
Yeah, he sort of looks like the Little Dutch Boy who has been seeing far too much of Little Debbie, Betty Crocker, and Captain Crunch.

And for the next doll . . .

All I can say is, "What the heck?!!" What is this even supposed to be? An impressionistic version of a baby doll? A broken mold? A method to scare young women into not having children?

And speaking of those horrible nightmares you have when you're pregnant where you dream you give birth to a goat, or kitten, or some other creature you weren't supposed to have--we don't need this sort of thing, doll artists, we really don't, so stop with the reborn monkeys. They're just creepy. That's why the makers of the Wizard of Oz gave monkeys wings and used them to terrorize Dorothy and generations of young viewers.

Okay pregnant women, look away, breathe deeply and tell yourself that you will give birth to a beautiful baby, not a furry creature or a half-alien spawn. I promise you it won't happen. And just so that you can get those images out of your mind, I'll post a picture of my one-of-a-kind artist created doll. But sorry eBay shoppers. He's not for sale.

27 comments:

nikkebirde said...

Oh my goodness. Dolls give me the creeps. Even if they're cute. I went in to a house once and there was like a hundred dolls in just the living room. I thought I had just walked in to a nightmare. It was horrific. hahaha!

Janette Rallison said...

Ha! My middle daughter would never have her dolls or her stuffed animals in her bedroom for the same reason. My youngest daughter has enough of both to populate a small island nation.

nikkebirde said...

LOL! My sister has a bunch of porcelain dolls and love them. I once went over to a friends house when I was like 10 and she had a life size barbie freak thing and my Mom had to come get me because I was freaking out. It was one of those screaming and sobbing moments...hahaha!

Shari said...

Monkey dolls? Really? You should start a doll wreck blog. You got some great ones to start with.

Janette Rallison said...

The sad thing is that there are so many bad ones to choose from on ebay. But how many times can you say, "Wow, what a hideously frightening doll?"

But maybe I'll be compelled to do a few because--ugh--somebody needs to say it.

Anonymous said...

"There are some things hair is not going to fix."
This one reminds me of The Nanny's father (old tv show for your young bloggers) - I remember that SAME head of hair (toupée?) on him! Very scary, definitely.

Janice said...

Plunge some of those super creepy dolls inside a cake and you have the perfect diet plan. No, really. I've seen it on cake wrecks. I was one of those girls that had to have all the dolls stowed away in a cupboard at night. I was sure they were going to kill me in my sleep.

Lori said...

Ok, HILARIOUS!! My mother-in-law has these little dolls that have the scariest faces. My girls won't even play with them.

Janette Rallison said...

Same thing with clowns. You know they're all scary under that white makeup and red nose.

tenacious d said...

*Shudder!* Actually, a friend of mine has twin great-nephews who look exactly like the little-Dutch-Boy-who-ate-too-much-Little-Debbies.

Botterfly Girl said...

Thats hillarious, especially the Dutch boy. Not really a fan of dolls though, I'd rather hold a real baby!

Tam said...

You've never wondered what ET's child would look like if he fell in love with a human? Well, wonder no further. The 1st doll wreck is his child.

These are TOO TOO funny. Scary funny...Scunny.

Lauren said...

Oh my gosh! That last picture looks so real! I didn't know people could make dolls that look so real... and some that are just plain scary.

This post made me laugh my head off! I especially liked the little dutch boy who has seen too much of Little Debbie, and Captain Crunch. :)

Tristi Pinkston said...

Those are hysterical - thanks for sharing!

Another Writer said...

I've seen a lot of creepy dolls in my travels and actually, those are mild compared to many I've seen.

Here's something else to give you nightmares. Go to ebay and search ending auctions for "haunted doll." It's incredible what people will pay if they think a doll is possessed. Try sorting them from highest price to lowest to see the crazy prices some have sold for.

Tanya Parker Mills said...

Great post, Janette! Actually, I have to disagree with Tam...

I thought the first doll wreck looked amazingly like Robert Downey, Jr. in his bad boy days (as if he's really left them behind).

BUT your next to last doll wreck with blonde hair did resemble a combination of ET and Drew Barrymore (in that same film).

It only goes to show that beauty (or the lack thereof) is in the eye of the beholder.

Rachelle said...

That is just scary. We have a pretty cool picture of my baby sitting by some other baby dolls--kind of makes you do a double take--but not in a scary kind of way like the dolls you showed. :)

Alison's Book Marks said...

I'm afraid...very, very afraid.

The crying doll was disturbing - like his parents had decided to Ferberize him, but they read the instructions wrong.

Wendy said...

Impressionistic Doll has to be my new PC wallpaper--I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks!

Taffy said...

MY kids gasped in horror at some of those dolls/aliens!
The last one is cute!

A Canadian Girl said...

Wow, some of those dolls are so creepy looking!

Janette Rallison said...

Yes, apparently doll making is harder than it looks. Who knew?

earwaxtasteslikecrayons said...

I believe I might be scarred for life. Thanks a lot, Janette.

Rebecca said...

I'm slightly freaked out by some of those--ok, most of those!

Julie Wright said...

there are some creepy creepy toys out there . . .

Anonymous said...

Your not very nice! Some of these dolls aren't the best reborns that I have ever seen but someone has tried hard to do a good job. Nobody can be perfect everytime and it doesn't help if their are people like you who criticise their work. Unless you do reborning yourself, you will not know the hours and hours that is put in! How would you like it if we said the photo of you son (I'm presuming) is ugly and you didn't do a very good job?

Anonymous said...

Your “Doll Wreck “ posts are hilarious and so true. Those gothic and zombie dolls are creepy too. I can’t understand why someone would want to buy a doll that looks like a dead child.