Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Enrique Awards. It's time to vote on the worst pickup lyrics

I enjoy a good love song with a catchy beat. Sadly, there are some performers who ruin their songs by giving them lyrics so horrible that I can't listen to the music without cringing.

For example, a few singers seem to completely miss the point of pickup lines. If you're trying to get a girl or guy to like you, then you shouldn't appear to be a stalker or, nearly as bad--a completely crass dolt.

Enrique Iglesia's song I Want to Love You Tonight is the prime example of the bad pickup song--because the real lyrics aren't, "I want to love you tonight." They're actually, "I want to (insert a term here that would get you slapped in any civilized country and beheaded in a few other ones) tonight."

In honor of Enrique's tastelessness I created the Enrique Iglesia's Memorial Worst Pickup Lyrics in a Song Award.

To see other year's awards go to:



Without further ado let's vote for this year's contenders. I must mention that this year many of the songs had a death-wish bent to them that added to their creepiness. Apparently the music industry needs some Prozac.

1) Die Young
by Ke$ha

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums
Oh, what a shame that you came here with someone
So while you're here in my arms
Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

We're gonna die young
We're gonna die young

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young
Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

If you want to pick someone up, perhaps you shouldn't immediately plunge into speculations about his untimely death—or speak of your own death as if it’s an exciting event. It makes people wonder exactly what sort of trouble you’re planning, and if any of it involves fleeing from the police. 

Maybe the reason she can hear his heart beating so hard is that he’s pondering his chances of escaping her clutches.

Bonus Die Young bad lyrics: This song also includes possibly the tackiest line ever to be sung over the airwaves:
It's pretty obvious that you've got a crush (you know)
That magic in your pants, it's making me blush (for sure)
Magic in your pants? *Cringes* Please do us all a favor and pay Taylor Swift to write your next lyrics.

2) DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again
by Usher

  Keep downing drinks like there's no tomorrow there's just right now, now, now, now, now,
Gonna set the roof on fire
Gonna burn this mother* down, down, down, down, down, down
 . . . Swear I seen you before
I think I remember those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
'Cause baby tonight, the DJ got us falling in love again
Yeah, baby tonight, the DJ got us falling in love again

Um, it might not be the DJ that's got you falling in love--it's probably all the Coors Light. Just saying.
The song goes on to say: So dance, dance like it's the last, last night of your life, life
When did dancing become the equivalent to uttering your last words?

3) Florida Georgia Line

These guys are adorable and I like their music, but I also wonder if they completely speak English.

Baby you a song. 
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise down a back road blowin' stop signs through the middle
Every little farm town with you.

I heard these lyrics and thought two things: 1) You should meet Ke$sha. You're probably her kind of driver. And 2) I'm not a grammar Nazi or anything, but I feel an insistent need to take a red pen to your lyrics. I'll let the "Baby you a song" slide, but that missing "of" in that last sentence is just wrong.

 4) Locked Out of Heaven
by Bruno Mars

 Your (insert a word that implies procreation and would get my blog banned if I used it) takes me to paradise.
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause you make feel like, I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah you make feel like, I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

Oh yeah yeah yeah Ooh! Oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah Ooh!

You bring me to my knees
You make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates cause I can't wait to see the light

As a writer, I appreciate good metaphors and similes. Sadly this song's lyrics don't fall under that category. Let's ignore the fact that all of this is tacky. Let's also ignore the fact that throwing in a bunch of "Oh yeah yeah yeahs" does nothing to improve the song. The simile isn't clear. You feel like you've been locked out of heaven for too long? What exactly does that mean? She makes you feel like you're in Hades right now? She makes you feel like you want to die and end it all? Or are you saying, in an unclear manner, that now you're in heaven whereas before you weren't? 

At any rate, maybe Bruno should get used to being locked out of heaven since I doubt anyone beyond the Pearly Gates will appreciate these lyrics.

And that "Open up your gates" lyric, well, I'm rethinking the "magic in your pants" as being the tackiest line ever sung. 

So dear music aficionados, those are the contestants for the bad pickup lyrics this year. Vote for the one you think is most deserving, or nominate your own.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The winner is Becky @BecksterMay

Actually, Random first picked my daughter--which goes to show you that Random.org has a sense of humor. I sent her the manuscript months ago and she still hasn't read it.

 So Becky, send me your address and I'll pop your ARC in the mail. You can reach me at jrallisonfans at yahoo dot com

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Slayers: Friends and Traitors give-away

I just got an ARC for Slayers: Friends and Traitors. I am very excited about this fact, even if it does mean that I have to learn how to spell traitors. (I keep trying to spell it with an er instead of the or. What is up with that anyway? We've got dancer, fighter, officer, and three thousand other job descriptions that end in er, but traitor is spelled with an o. Whoever created English spelling should be smacked.)

Anyway, because I know so many of you are anxious to read the next Slayers installment, I'm doing a give-away.  I need to add a disclaimer though. An ARC (advance reading copy) isn't the finished book. It's made of the galleys which is the copy before the last changes. Usually there are a few mistakes and typos in the ARCs. In this ARC there are a lot. I have a character crimple to the ground. Instead of going somewhere, at one point someone is soing somewhere. And it looks like I pretty much sprinkled commas randomly through the manuscript. Stuff like that. So keep in mind that the final copy (knock on wood) will be much cleaner.

I'm doing things a bit different for this give-away. Usually I choose someone from the comments. I just started tweeting as CJ Hill though, and I need followers so my publisher doesn't think I'm friendless. So at the end of the week, I'm going to choose one of my CJ Hill followers and I'll send them the ARC.

To find me on twitter, look for authorCJHill

Good luck!

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

The graduation blues

It's my least favorite time of year. That time when  retailers feel the need to herald the end of another school year with Congratulations Graduates of 2013 plates, cups, napkins, and balloons.

I've been a parent for the last 25 years. I don't remember what life was like before toys, piles of laundry, and homework were spread out over my house. My children are the best and most important thing to me. Next September my oldest son will leave home. In another year, my twins will graduate. The last thing I want is to be reminded of this fact every time I step into a store.

This is what grocery stores think I see when I walk down the bakery aisle:

This is what I actually see when I walk down the bakery aisle:

A special thanks to my son for drawing this cake. (And that's another thing--who is going to help me with computer stuff when they go? I soo need some chocolate . . . and maybe a therapist.)