Monday, April 25, 2011

Vote for the Worst Song Pick-up Lines: The Enrique Award


At my last writing critique group, we were sitting around talking about bad song lyrics. My friend, Melinda, told me that Enrique Iglesias's song I want to Love You Tonight actually was called I want to--insert the crassest term you can think of here--You Tonight. I looked it up on Youtube, and yep, she was right. (Side note: Enrique Iglesias and Paris Hilton are proof that nobody should grow up rich and famous.)

The amazing thing to me is why anybody would write a song with those lyrics. I mean, what half-educated and moderately sane man thinks this is the way to impress women?

Unfortunately, Enrique isn't alone in his horrible lyrics. In fact, I'm going to start a new blog tradition called the Enrique Awards. The award will be given to songs with the worst pick-up lines ever.

I have five contenders for the first award, taken from songs from the last few years. Blog commenters, you will choose the winner.

Entry number 1
Ticks by Brad Paisley


Okay, we never expected country music to be sophisticated poetry, but there's a limit to what country songs can get away with, and this song sadly reached it with the lyrics: I'd like to check you for ticks. How romantic. As long as your at it, check for lice too.

Entry number 2
Baby by Justin Beiber

Justin is adorable. I want to wrap him up in a box and take him home. For some reason, he brings to mind that Shawn Cassidy crush I had as a teen. But these lyrics don't work: I want to play it cool, but I'm losing you. I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring.

Um, come again?

This song is about a guy who is trying to buy a girl's love? Because that's what you want in a girlfriend--someone who's willing to stay with you if the money is good enough.

Entry number 3
In My Head by Jason Derulo


I love this song. Catchy tune, awesome beat, and if you want to sing something that will embarrass your teenage children, look no further! But someone needs to take Jason aside and explain a few things about women to him; as evidenced by the lines: Some dudes know all the right things to say. When it comes down to it, it's all just game. Instead of talking, let me demonstrate. Get down to business and skip foreplay.

Jason, my friend, you need to talk to one of those dudes who know all the right things to say--because this isn't it. And that's why all of this is going to stay in your head.


Entry number 4
I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum


I know, I know, this song was song of the year, or some such thing, but that still doesn't make the lyrics good.

It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now. Translation: I love you, but only when I'm drunk enough.

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now. Translation: That restraining order doesn't apply after midnight, does it?

Entry number 5
I added this one just to show that girls can sing horrible pick-up lines too.


Don't Cha by the Pussycat Dolls


(Okay, this is a representational picture of the pussycat dolls, since the girls on the cover of the actual album didn't look like freaks, they looked more like, um, hookers.)

So how about those great lyrics:Don't ya wish your girlfriend was a freak, like me?

We can safely assume not. Last time we checked, there were more than enough freaky women to go around for everyone who wanted one. Women with intelligence and class--those are a little harder to come by.

Maybe we should write songs about those types of women.

So those are the contenders for the Enrique Award. Place your vote!

52 comments:

Melanie Jacobson said...

The Tick song is the reason I had to stop listening to country music. True story.

Also, a "freak" in the hip hop sense means someone who is wild in bed. As in Usher's massive hit "Yeah" where he says guys "want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed."

And my nominee for terrible pick up lines would be Nelly's song (and I'm not making up the spelling) "Hot in Herre" where he suggests, "It's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes."

Or I don't know, crack a window, maybe?

nikkebirde said...

LOL! I couldn't take the terrible music on the radio stations anymore so I stopped listening. Now I am the last to find out about the songs that everyone is making fun of! But I guess it's ok because I don't have to scratch my ears out. To be honest I didn't even know there was a "The Tick" song...the radio is getting worse faster than I thought!

You want a great song that's romantic? Check out "You Say" by Adam Watts. All his music is great.

Heather Justesen said...

I'm going to have to vote for #3, though they are all excellent examples of terrible pickup lines. =)

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Great post. The drunk booty-call song by Lady Antebellum bothers me big-time. And it is on the radio incessantly.

This isn't a new issue. Back in the '70s we had such gems as "Do you wanna make love, or do you just want to fool around?" or Bad Company's blatant "I Feel Like Makin' Love." Don't forget "Afternoon Delight."

Janette Rallison said...

And let us not overlook Meatloaf's: I want you, I need you but there aint no way I'm ever going to love you. Now don't be sad, cause two out of three aint bad.

Who wouldn't fall for those romantic lines?

gaylene said...

and Sting's old song "Every Breath You Take", with the lyrics:

Every breath you take every move you make, Every bond you break every step you take,I'll be watching you.

Creepy... :)

Lauren said...

I love country music!

Brad Paisley, and Lady Antebellum are two of my favorites. I've never heard the song "Ticks", but I love "I Need You Now".

I would vote that Justin Bieber has the worst lyrics. (And the Pussy Cat Dolls. I hate that song)

P.s.

I finished My Unfair Godmother on Sunday. It was so good! Hudson is a babe. :)

Janette Rallison said...

Ah, thanks. I thought so too.

Must Love Books said...

I'm going to have to go with Lady Antebellum on this one. Mostly because I absolutely hate that song. But for actual lyrics, I'd have to say the tick song.

Melissa said...

I agree: Lady Antebellum, because I hate that song. But Justin Bieber and the tick song in a tie for a close, close second.

Janelle said...

Those are all winners. I haven't heard all of them, because I've given up normal radio. If I had to vote for one, it'd be ticks, because that song is obnoxious!

Julie Daines said...

You missed the classic Jordan Sparks line:

You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Kinda gross...

Or the ridiculous PINK song "Who Knew":

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

Now that's attractive. And it doesn't even really make sense. Three years from the time of the song? Or three years from when they first hooked up?

You hit a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand songs with stupid lyrics!

Linda Hoffman Kimball said...

The four creepy, blatant hormonal entries are gross. The Tick song is so radically gag-factor disgusting that it soars right into the chutzpah category.

Fun post, Janette!

Susan Corpany said...

Gee, it is hard to decide. All of these deserve to be winners. I have to go for the guy who thinks skipping foreplay is the ticket.

Tabitha said...

I would have to say the tick one . . . they're all awful, but that one is just so repulsive!

Taffy said...

Love this post! There was a song that sang about the boy hurting the girl by hitting her but he still loves her so please come back because it won't happen again. STUPIT! The youth in my car didn't like it when I ripped that song to shreds. Or the Lady Antebellum's. I said almost the same things to them you posted :)

BUT! I HATE the tick song! How about: Let's check each other for skin cancer...

Jane Isfeld Still said...

I was all for the tick one until I read the foreplay one. YUCK!!!
Now I know why I like the Roaring 20''s or as my album says The fun music of the gay 90's.LOL

Tiffany Dominguez said...

My pet peeve is Rhianna's lyrics: "You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house, trying to apologize, you're so ugly when you cry, please, just cut it out." Really? Then, "Grab your clothes and get gone before the sprinklers come on." *snorts*

My vote is Jason Derulo. He bugs and his lyrics are so crass.

Maggie said...

Super funny post.

Growing up in Wyoming, we often did have to "check for ticks" so I thought that song was kind of funny--but definitely not romantic in any way.

Yours were all good choices. I'd go with the dumb foreplay one.

I personally hate in Tim McGraw's song "She's My Kind of Rain" where he says, "she sits still like the water in a jar."

Really? That was the best thing you could think of to say about your girl? She sits still? My hubby and I always laugh at that one.

The Bensch Wensch said...

DeRulo Rules! (And someone should explain to him that THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT!!!)

Shaunda said...

Hmmmm, such a hard decision. Check someone for ticks is like getting back to our evolutionary roots,... isn't that what the apes do for those they love?
Ticks is it, but Derulo, hearing that line is a real-life situation would make me Howl.....not Jacob-style, but with laughter.

Good one. Love the post.
The Pussycat picture is .... worth a thousand words.

Dramagirl said...

I vote for Tick. Because LOL! I've never heard that, but wooow.

Becca said...

Those are all pretty bad. My vote would be the Tick song. Although I really get annoyed with some of the blatant lyrics these days. How about Katy Perry's "Let's Go All the Way?" Upbeat surfer melody, with that message?
BTW,even though my 13-year-old daughter doesn't like Justin Bieber, I can so relate to that Shawn Cassidy crush--I think he invented the hair flip!

Cathy Witbeck said...

Yes, I'm a little drunk and I need you now, sounds like they just need a designated driver, not a serious relationship. That one has my vote.

Arya said...

I vote for #5. I really dislike that song. I agree that the lyrics to Beiber's Baby and Brad Paisley's Ticks are rather annoying, but for some reason I can't help but like them! Hilarious post Ms. Rallison!

Janette Rallison said...

You guys make me laugh with all of your comments. There are so many songs with bad lyrics that actually, this award should go to many songs . . .

Lauren said...

I agree with Becca.

"Put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans livin' teenage dream tonight".

Great lyrics Ms. Perry.

Alicia said...

Ha, great post! I vote for that Pussycat picture-- pure genius. :) That Lady Antebellum has always bugged me especially when its played every 10 minutes on the radio. It has potential without the mindless lyrics, but let's please not give it awards! Here's a vote for sobriety!

Botterfly Girl said...

Pussycat dolls! Though I have to say, my little brother and I have had a few heart to hearts about why buying girls stuff isn't always the best idea. Poor Bieb

Lisa R/alterlisa said...

"The Tick" song OMG, I've heard it all now. I stopped listening to the radio years ago. I do tend to overplay the DVD's of the 70's & 80's though. And we thought, "Pour some Sugar on Me", "Wango Tango" and "Slip Inside my Sleeping Bag" were suggestive. Wow!

Sara said...

Definitely Ticks. Brad Paisley has some of the weirdest lyrics, ever. And yet people love him.

I do love country music, but like all genres, there are some crazy songs that get made. I know this isn't a pick-up song, but "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney is amazingly awful. My husband and I love to sing it because it's so random and weird.

Jessie said...

I vote number three, he definitely doesn't know women!

Janette Rallison said...

Yes, I have laughingly told my husband that I think his tractor is sexy. Weird song.

Anonymous said...

I think the worst pick-up/maybe break-up song is Bruno Mars' "Grenade." I don't really know if it's pick-up (it kinda is), but it's more of a break-up. It just sounds really suicidal (I would take a grenade for ya, jump in front of a train for ya, take a bullet straight through my brain, put my hand on the blade)

Michele Holmes said...

Wow! These are all so . . . horrible. I'm going to have to go with the "I'm a little drunk" entry. For the past year or however long the stupid song has been repeated on the radio every single time I'm in the car, it has made me crazy. Glad to know I'm not the only one completely annoyed and baffled by the obnoxious lyrics.

Lauren said...

Okay, I have a question that doesn't have to do with the Enrique Awards.

I overheard someone say that Janette Rallison would be visiting Canyon View junior high. Is this true?

Janette Rallison said...

Yep, I'll be there May 3rd.

Lauren said...

That's my junior high!

Janette Rallison said...

Make sure you say, "Hi" then!

Susan said...

My husband actually uses the Tick pick up line on me frequently. I'm not joking. But we are from Virginia and really do get ticks. But I'm not stupid. I know what he's really asking for.

Janette Rallison said...

See this is exactly the sort of thing I feared. When guys hear these pick-up lines in songs they think they're acceptable. It's only a matter of time before he asks you if you think his tractor is sexy.

Candice said...

Haha! My husband has actually used the tractor line. :/

Glad others agree on the Antebellum song! I love the pretty tune but the lyrics have always seemed wrong.

And not that I'm proud of knowing the lyrics, but I think I was the one who pointed out the true Enrique song line. How he thinks it's hot to tell someone he's into them in a way that sounds like he's announcing he's going to rape them, I have no idea.

Janette Rallison said...

Oh--you're right, Candice. See, you look too innocent to know the Enrique lyrics. That's why I forgot it was you. Have you seen the video for the "love" version? Yikes.

Jennie said...

Frankly, I love the Tick song. Don't judge. It's funny, and he's trying to be funny. Better than the ones that are trying to be seriously romantic and totally falling short.

The line from the Lady Antebellum song has always bugged me. I vote for that one.

Janette Rallison said...

So true. We should take into account that Brad knows it's a stupid pickup line, where as the others . . . well, not so self-aware.

Shelby said...

What about the song 'Friday' by Rebbecca Black? 'Today is friday, tomorrow's saterday, the day after that is sunday'? AWFUL!!!! And when she sings 'FrIIIday' its like a robot sucking helium said it. So much for auto tune!

caihay said...

this made me ridiculously happy.
so great.

Anonymous said...

i hate the song 'need you now'. it sucks.

Anonymous said...

sad. i was actually thinking of singing thet song for my entire school. with my boyfriend. but then i read all of this stuff above...

Anonymous said...

Jason Derulo...The lyrics do not make sense..."In my head, you fulfill my fantasies..." Wait, if I'm in your head, it's still a fantasy... A fantasy can't fulfill your fantasies.... Pop music is dumb.

Zombie Cricket said...

There's a song by Relient K, it's called Faking My Own Suicide, and in it he sings "because I know you love me, you just haven't realized" and it makes me think he's a stalker.
and I know there's another one that has the stalker feel, but I can't remember it off the top of my head.

HARINDER KUMAR said...

Great article
Funny pick up lines