What the kids did during revisions/ sledding in Arizona

While I was busy doing revisions, the kids found ways to entertain themselves.  This was one activity I found out about after the fact. Yeah. Love how safety conscious the kids are. On the other hand, who says kids can't have sledding-like activities in Arizona?

Which cover do you like best?

I know I said I was going to do another--what the kids were doing while I revised blog--but then I got these lovely cover proofs from Earthly Charms for the ebook cover of Masquerade--which I'm in the process of rewriting for the national market. Hopefully it will be released in a month or two (depending on how much time I have since Putnam and Feiwel will both send revisions to me on other novels soon).

So which cover do you think works for a romantic comedy?  Also, let me know if you actually like to read romances. (One of the interesting things I've found is that people who don't like to read romances prefer the middle cover. But the thing is--if they like it because it doesn't seem 'romancy' then maybe it's not the best cover since romance readers are my target audience.) So yeah, let me know if you actually read romances. 

Thanks!

The art of mothering during revisions part one

When I say there's an art to mothering during revisions, the art I'm talking about is the equivalent of those modern art statues you see which resemble tangled coat hangers, or giant erasers, or someone's pile of  recyclable milk cartons. You know the ones I'm talking about--the ones you see and think, "That's art?"

That's pretty much how my mothering has gone for the last few months while I finished writing Slayers Two and did revisions for Echo of Time. (Erasing Time's sequel.)  I've stayed up until four in the morning on more than one occasion, and Techno Bob has had to get our youngest daughter off to school.  There's only one problem with this system. Techno Bob is an engineer, which means he was born without the gene for fashion. I'm never sure what youngest daughter will be wearing when her father gets her ready. You can imagine how thrilled I was when I picked her up the other day and saw this ensemble. And her hair hadn't been touched with a brush either.

Yeah, this is pretty much why children need mothers.  After our first child was about two years old, I took my husband aside and lovingly told him, "If I should die, I want you to remarry. And let her dress the children." This advice still stands.

Next blog: How the children have entertained themselves.

Clean Fiction give-away

Inspired Kathy emailed and reminded me that I had signed up to be part of her clean fiction give-away. Kathy was obviously inspired to remind me, since I forgot. So hey, I'm doing one more give-away.

First of all, I want to say I love clean fiction.  I listen to a lot of audio books and I can't tell you how many times I've had to run to the CD player because a book I thought would be clean is suddenly blaring a steamy love scene or swearing up a blue streak. My elementary school daughter is very serious about reporting all such infractions to me, should I miss them.

**True story** I have a weakness for catchy pop songs and tried to convince my youngest daughter that the All American Rejects song I was listening to actually said, "Hope it gives you help." I would sing these lyrics loudly whenever the song came on.

Middle daughter always shook her head at me with clear disgust when I did this. "No, Mom," she said. "That is just wrong."

Finally, I had to delete the song from my ipod.

Anyway, I am back on the straight and narrow now and you can see why none of my books have swearing in them. 

I just did a giveaway where I gave away about every single title I've written . . . so it's hard to chose one to give away. So here's the deal: should you win this lovely give-away you can have your choice of: 

Seventeen-year-old Annika Truman knows about the power of positive thinking. With a little brother who has cancer, it’s all she ever hears about. And in order to help Jeremy, she will go to the ends of the earth (or at least as far as Hollywood) to help him believe he can survive his upcoming surgery. But Annika’s plan to convince Jeremy that a magic genie will grant him any wish throws her a curveball when he unexpectedly wishes that his television idol would visit him. Annika suddenly fi nds herself in the desperate predicament of getting access to a hunky star actor and convincing him to come home with her. Piece of cake, right? Janette Rallison’s proven talent for laugh-out-loud humor, teen romance, and deep-hearted storytelling shines in a novel that will have readers laughing and crying at the same time. 

Her whole life, Alexia Garcia has been told that she looks just like pop star Kari Kingsley, and one day when Alexia?s photo filters through the Internet, she?s offered a job to be Kari?s double. This would seem like the opportunity of a lifetime, but Alexia?s mother has always warned her against celebrities.

Rebelliously, Alexia flies off to L.A. and gets immersed in a celebrity life. Not only does she have to get used to getting anything she wants, she romances the hottest lead singer on the charts, and finds out that her own father is a singing legend. Through it all, Alexia must stay true to herself, which is hard to do when you are pretending to be somebody else!

Finding your one true love can be a Grimm experience! 

After her boyfriend dumps her for her older sister, sophomore Savannah Delano wishes she could find a true prince to take her to the prom. Enter Chrissy (Chrysanthemum) Everstar: Savannah’s gum-chewing, cell phone–carrying, high heel-wearing Fair Godmother. Showing why she’s only Fair—because she’s not a very good fairy student—Chrissy mistakenly sends Savannah back in time to the Middle Ages, first as Cinderella, then as Snow White. Finally she sends Tristan, a boy in Savannah’s class, back instead to turn him into her prom-worthy prince. When Savannah returns to the Middle Ages to save Tristan, they must team up to defeat a troll, a dragon, and the mysterious and undeniably sexy Black Knight. Laughs abound in this clever fairy tale twist from a master of romantic comedy. 

Leave a comment telling me your favorite song that you're embarrassed you like . . .

Being a follower gets you an extra chance.

I'm also doing the give-away on my CJ Hill site: http://www.cjhillbooks.blogspot.com/

Erasing Time book launch pictures

Erasing Time is set 400 years in the future, when as you know the world will be populated by dystopian governments that are trying to kill you. (Not all that different from today, really.) In my futuristic society, people dye their hair, skin, and wear outrageous outfits.  Sort of like this:

See, Lady Gaga isn't odd, she's just 400 years ahead of her time.  Anyway since Echo, one of my main characters in the book, has blue hair, I decided to dye my hair blue as a visual effect. I was a little nervous about doing this because it is one thing to do something flashy like that when you are a young, cute bee-bopper and quite another to do it when you're a middle-aged woman. Middle-aged women who do flashy, hip things tend to look like they are in old-age denial. But hey, how many times do I have a legitimate reason for dying my hair blue? So I took the plunge and sprayed on bright blue hair color:

You can't really tell in this picture how blue my hair is so I added the bottom one--as you can see it really was noticeably blue.

The presentation went well and everyone who came was awesome! But here is the thing--I sort of forgot my hair was blue. I mean, I wasn't looking at myself. And I also forgot to mention during my presentation that one of the book's characters had blue hair. Yep.

No one asked about it during the question and answer session either.  They must have all thought I was just one of those artistic types . . . the kind that is in old-age denial.

Here I am showing off my glitter tattoo. It's sort of a Rosie the Riveter moment.

Anyway, so besides the don't ask, don't tell blue hair moment, it was great! I was glad to see old friends and new faces.  And then I went home and realized that it was late, we were out of milk, and I was the only one of driving age awake. The kids need milk for their breakfast cereal and they start leaving the house at 5:30 am.

So I had to go to the grocery store with blue hair and a glittery tattoo. And the cashier and bagger did ask about both. Sigh. Yeah, I am so cool.

Erasing Time book launch and Book Trailer

Hey Reading Aficionados,
My new release, Erasing Time comes out August 28th!

 You can buy it any of your finer bookstores. (If your local one doesn't carry it, tell them they won't qualify as a finer bookstore until they order it, which they should do immediately.) If you're in the Phoenix area, I would love to see you at the book launch on:

Tues, Aug 28th, 7:00 PM at Changing Hands Bookstore

I'll talk about vital and important topics such as:

The future (Will the government want to kill you?  Ha! Do you really doubt it?)
Secret symbols in store logos: (Seriously, they're in a bunch. I'll show you some.)
And Rank (You can be one of the cool, early adopters.)

Also get a glitter tattoo so you can fit in with the High Rankers of 2447.

Time travel is optional.


Here's the book trailer:

Dramatic twists and turns to the very end ensure readers’ attention and the possibility of an equally thrilling sequel--Kirkus

Erasing Time countdown/ My Double Life Giveaway

Welcome to another day of my book a day giveaway. It's only six more short days until Erasing Time comes out. You can buy a copy at the book launch on Aug 28th, at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ. I'll be there, and probably be coherent at the time--but that sort of depends on how my Echo in Time revisions are going.

Today I'll be giving away a copy of an awesome book--My Double Life. Yep we are back to the book that started off the giveaway (sort of--it was part of a blog hop) which means that unless I've forgotten one of my titles that I meant to giveaway and didn't (entirely possible--I have had that whole lack of sleep thing going for me) Then the book I will be putting on the lineup tomorrow night will be Erasing Time--and I'll be showing you the very cool trailer I had made for it. (There is fire. Things poof!)

Until then, you'll have to satisfy yourself with living the secret life of a rock star and having a famous rock star boyfriend.  You know, the rough life.

Leave me a comment about the moments in your life that you wouldn't want the paparazzi to show up. Let me know if you're a follower, as that will earn you an extra chance.  Blogging or tweeting about the giveaway will earn you another chance.  I'll ship to the US or Canada, other winners will get an ebook.

You're allowed to comment on both blogs--and you might as well, as it doubles your chances.
Now I've got to go to sleep before I start typing gibberish . . .

Erasing Time countdown Revenge giveaway

Welcome to another day of my book a day giveaway. It's only ten more days until Erasing Time comes out. You can buy a copy at the book launch on Aug 28th, at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ. And yes, I have already started having anxiety dreams about not being prepared for this event. In the last one, I couldn't make it to the store in time and knew I would miss the whole event.

One more perk of being an author--stressful dreams.  (Still waiting for a hot vampire to show up and inspire me.)

Today I'll be giving away a copy of Revenge of the Cheerleaders.  Okay, I admit this isn't one of my better covers. For some reason the characters are oddly yellow.  But it's still an awesome book, and you have my full permission to glue a different picture on the cover.

 I don't want to make you leave a comment telling me about a revenge episode, as really, I hope you haven't had any . . . so just leave me a comment about who you would shake a pompom at, should you ever need commit such an act. Let me know if you're a follower, as that will earn you an extra chance. Tweeting about the giveaway and mentioning that you love me even more than One Direction will earn you another chance. (Okay, you don't actually have to do that--but I would appreciate you telling other people about the giveaway.) And yeah, if you tweet/blog you'd better put in the link for that. Twitter and Google search are supposed to let me know when my name pops up in the internet, but it only works about a third of the time and I'm too untechnical to figure out how to fix that problem.  I'll ship to the US or Canada, other winners will get an ebook.

You're allowed to comment on both blogs--and you might as well, as it doubles your chances. http://www.cjhillbooks.blogspot.com/ (I'll throw the Goodread comments into the mix too.)

My Unfair Godmother giveaway along with Assignment to Earth

The countdown to Erasing Time continues!  Just . . .um . . .what the heck is today--just 11 more days until the book release.  (Hey, I'm in a revisions marathon right now.) Come to Changing Hands on Aug 28th at 7:00 pm to hear me talk about the world in the future and secret signs and cool stuff like that.

Oh, and a note to paperback winners: Your book will probably come to you in a recycled bubble wrap mailer. I'm recycling them because I'm being green, not cheap. Well, okay, actually I'm being cheap too, but think of it as being awesomely green. Instead of the landfill getting my old poofy envelopes--you get them.

Today for the giveaway, I am giving away two--yes two-- great books.  My long-time writing friend Anne Marie Jenner emailed me and volunteered to give away a copy of her Indie book Assignment to Earth for the blog. (I don't think Anne will mind me mentioning that this book started out as fan fiction for Battlestar Gallactica. Anne, like me, has an incurable crush on the original Apollo. Mmmm. Richard Hatch.

Now I'm in my happy place . . .) Anyway, so today's lucky winner will get both that and a copy of My Unfair Godmother

Here's the fine print: Leaving a comment about something in life that's unfair will get you one entry, following the blog will get you another. Tweeting about the giveaway will give you one more. Here's book blurbs:

Assignment Earth


When Captain Skylar gets an assignment to locate a missing scout on the planet Earth, he doesn't realize his mission will be so complicated. His own ship damaged, finding Rantek is his only way home. 

A chance encounter with Lt. Jenna, a stranded Cavalier, leads him to a Klodfon base buried in the sands of the Nevada desert. 

Now he has to rescue Rantek and Jenna, escape the base, and warn the Fellowship of the Klodfon presence on Earth...and time is running out, if he doesn't want to end up stranded himself!


My Unfair Godmother

Tansy Miller has always felt that her divorced father has never had enough time for her. But mistakenly getting caught on the wrong side of the law wasn't exactly how she wanted to get his attention. Enter Chrysanthemum "Chrissy" Everstar, Tansy's fairy in shining, er, high heels. Chrissy is only a fair godmother, of course, so Tansy's three wishes don't exactly go according to plan. And if bringing Robin Hood to the twenty-first century isn't bad enough for Tansy, being transported back to the Middle Ages to deal with Rumpelstiltskin certainly is. She'll need the help of her blended family, her wits, and especially the cute police chief's son to stop the gold-spinning story from spinning wildly out of control. Janette Rallison pulls out all the stops in this fresh, fun-filled follow-up to the popular My Fair Godmother.

Erasing Time countdown and book a day giveaway

In completely unrelated news, we are having the most amazing lightning storm in Arizona right now.  It's like a strobe light outside. And yet I couldn't convince any of my family to get out of bed and go sit outside on the wet lawn and watch it.  Some people are completely lacking in spontaneity.  Okay, so my pants are now all wet, so I'm going to be short about this.

Erasing Time is coming out August 28th. It's awesome. Go buy several copies, because hey, you've got to get your parents/daughters/ friends something for their birthday/Christmas/ graduation/shower gift.

And it's got a cool cover.

I'm giving books away every day until I make a dent on the ones in my closet (or until I get hit by lightning). Leave a comment about what you would like to be famous for. Followers get an extra chance. People who tweet/blog about the giveaway get an extra chance too. You can still enter if you've already won. Random.org might like you twice.

Tonight it will be Fame, Glory, and Other Things On My To Do List.  (Okay, I know it has a cheesy pink cover, but it's still one of my funniest, especially if you've ever seen West Side Story.)


A PC school principal turns West Side Story into a comedy of errors. 

Sixteen year-old Jessica dreams of Hollywood fame, and when Jordan moves into her small town, she dreams of him too. He’s a movie star’s son, and hey, he’s gorgeous to boot. Jordan has always wanted to get out from the shadow cast by his superstar father, but now that he and his mother have moved so far away from LA, how can he get his divorced parents back together? Jessica convinces Jordan the way to get his father to come for a long visit is to be a part of the school play. And if she’s “discovered” in the process, all the better. Things go wrong when she lets Jordan’s secret identity slip, and grow even more disastrous when the principal tries to change West Side Story into a gangfree, violence-free, politically correct production. 

In the same romantic and sharply witty spirit of Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Free Throws, Janette Rallison delivers another comic gem that teen readers are sure to love.

Erasing Time countdown a book a day giveaway

Welcome to another day of my giveaway. This is probably the longest I've gone on this blog without mentioning chocolate. I hope you'all don't feel deprived.  Anyway, it's only sixteen more days until Erasing Time comes out. You can buy a copy at the book launch on Aug 28th, at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ. (Or at your local book store if you don't happen to live in Arizona--and as it is currently the same temperature as the inside of a dryer, I don't blame you for not living in Arizona.)

Next up is All's Fair in Love, War, and High School--And yes, I know that my covers have gotten better over the years.  This was one of my earlier books.

You can look at the Polish cover if you'd rather.  I like the fact that the Polish cover proudly exclaims that 1,000,000 sprzedanych egzemplarzy!  Not many people can claim half so many sprzedanych egzemplarzy!

Don't worry though. I won't send you a Polish copy.  Leave a comment telling me about one of your bad days in school.

 Let me know if you're a follower, as that will earn you an extra chance.  Blogging or tweeting about the giveaway and mentioning that you'll be naming your first born child after me will earn you another chance. (Okay, you don't actually have to do that--but I would appreciate you telling other people about the giveaway.) And yeah, if you tweet/blog you'd better put in the link for that. Twitter and Google search are supposed to let me know when my name pops up in the internet, but it only works about a third of the time and I'm too untechnical to figure out how to fix that problem.  I'll ship to the US or Canada, other winners will get an ebook.

You're allowed to comment on both blogs--and you might as well, as it doubles your chances. The CJ Hill one is: http://cjhillbooks.blogspot.com/ (I'll throw the Goodread comments into the mix too.)


When your chance for getting into college and your date for the prom are all on the line…

Sixteen-year-old Samantha Taylor is used to having things go her way. She's head cheerleader and has all the right friends and a steady stream of boyfriends. But when she tanks the SATs, her automatic assumptions about going to college don't appear to be so automatic anymore. She determines that her only hope for college admission is to win the election for student body president. Unfortunately, with her razor wit and acid tongue she's bettersuited to dishing out insults than winning votes.

When she brashly bets her classmate Logan that she can go two weeks without uttering a single insult, Samantha immediately realizes that she may have bitten off more than she can chew. And when her current boyfriend dumps her, less than three weeks before the prom, it couldn't be a worse time to be forced to keep her opinions to herself. Finding a new boyfriend will be a challenge now that Logan shadows her every move, hoping to catch her slipping back into her old ways. Samantha is determined to win the election and find a dream date for the prom, no matter what it takes. After all . . . all's fair in love and war (and high school!).

Erasing Time countdown--book-a-day giveaway

It's almost 1:00 in the morning--but hey, I remembered to pick today's book winners. Which means we're off to a promising start!  The count-down to Aug 28th is on its way.

Next up will be Just One Wish (because someone mentioned in the comments that it was their favorite book.)  A lot of people tell me this one is their favorite of my books, which sort of surprises me since the main character's little brother has cancer. I really thought I was going to get angry letters from all of my fans.  (I did get two angry emails, actually.  I'm pretty sure I have more fans than that.)

Leave a comment telling me what you would wish for if you had just one wish. Let me know if you're a follower, as that will earn you an extra chance.  Blogging or tweeting about the giveaway or your undying admiration for me will earn you another chance. And yeah, I guess you'd better put in the link for that. Twitter and Google search are supposed to let me know when my name pops up in the internet, but it only works about a third of the time and I'm too untechnical to figure out how to fix that problem.

You're allowed to comment on both blogs--and you might as well, as it doubles your chances. The CJ Hill one is: http://cjhillbooks.blogspot.com/

Seventeen-year-old Annika Truman knows about the power of positive thinking. With a little brother who has cancer, it's all she ever hears about. And in order to help Jeremy, she will go to the ends of the earth (or at least as far as Hollywood) to help him believe he can survive his upcoming surgery.

But Annika's plan to convince Jeremy that a magic genie will grant him any wish throws her a curveball when he unexpectedly wishes that his television idol would visit him. Annika suddenly finds herself in the desperate predicament of getting access to a hunky star actor and convincing him to come home with her. Piece of cake, right?

Janette Rallison's proven talent for laugh-out-loud humor, teen romance, and deep-hearted storytelling shines in a novel that will have readers laughing and crying at the same time.

Author's note: I don't know about the readers, but this book left me crying when I wrote it and every time I had to read through it for a revision--which is why I can't write tragic stories. I would be an emotional mess the entire time.

Book a day giveaway

Greetings Young Adult Book lovers!  (Can I call you YABL for short?  It sort of sounds like babble and rabble so it's definitely a teen descriptive word.)

I signed up for Kathy's blog hop to meet more YABL as I am a YABL myself.  In fact, I've written 19 books and most of them are YAB. (I'm refraining from making a yabba dabba doo joke here, because contrary to popular belief, I do have a modicum of pride.) Instead, I'll say that most of my books are romantic comedies, although the CJ Hill ones have more action in them.  Guns, bad guys, maybe a time machine or a dragon or two--but always a hot guy. I have my standards.

So anyway I'll be giving away a hardback copy of My Double Life here--but wait, there's more.  Since I have a new book coming out August 28--Erasing Time, under my pen name CJ Hill,  I'm about to embark on my usual pre-launch book-a-day giveaway on both of my blogs. (I also have one at http://www.cjhillbooks.blogspot.com)

That giveaway officially starts Aug 10th, so come back to both blogs--your chances of winning are good. That said, I'll only ship to the US or Canada. People outside can enter and if they win I'll send them a choice of my ebooks Blue Eyes and Other Teenage Hazards or Playing the Field


For a chance to win My Double Life, leave a comment telling me what you wish your double life was.

Following the blog earns you an extra shot at winning.

Good luck fellow YABL!

But if I ever write a book about the Zombie Apocalypse, at least I'll have a setting . . .

Zombie picture by Jeremy Keith

One of the fun things about writing a novel is all of the research you get to do.  Okay, it's not all fun. For example, you don't how long I spent on the internet trying to find out what a flash grenade would do to night vision goggles. Apparently this is the one piece of information the internet doesn't know. I had to call Litton, the makers of night vision goggles three times trying to get someone to tell me.

No dice.

The receptionist didn't know, and the engineers didn't return my phone calls. Finally I called a Navy Seal. He called back. End of the story--I had to cut flash grenades from the scene.

But a lot of research is more fun.  I needed to find a mall in the DC area for some characters to meet at.  My husband suggested the Springfield Mall because it was a hot spot back when he grew up in the area.  We looked at the reviews for the mall to see if it had theaters.

And I was soo glad we did.  Apparently the Springfield Mall is now "Old, decrepit, decaying, and abandoned." (And that was from a five star review)  Here are six other actual reviews of the mall that made me laugh outloud:


1) Springfield Mall is like a shopping experience, magic show, and workout all rolled into one. You show up looking to buy something, go into a store, and when you come out the store next to it magically closed while you were shopping. This mall is dropping stores like audition week of American Idol.

To top all of that, all the stores worth shopping are at opposite ends of the mall. So you have to journey through the boarded up ghost town like it's post apocalypse VA.

Go to this mall at your own risk! If you see something in a store BUY IT, if you leave it until you come back the WHOLE store may be gone.

2) This mall gets two stars for Dairy Queen.

Negative two stars for only having 20 stores out of 200 storefronts

Extra one star for being the best location for some sort of zombie movie.

3) I remember back in the day this mall was a respectable location . . . However, over the years it just got worse and worse until I couldn't stand going there anymore and look at all the empty halls and dead interior; it makes me depressed since some of my best memories were going there as a kid.

P.S. Don't park in the Parking Garage for the love of God

(That does make me wonder what goes on in the parking garage . . .)

4) Just happy to be alive and well after having to meet someone at this mall from Craigslist...I know...suspicious right?...I was buying something off of him!....noooo not THAT!...a cell phone..sheesh!
The guy was super cute...I Facebooked him and darn "info" he was...married...or I would have totally taken my chances at this empty mall....sheesh people I a just kidding!...but yeah, close this darn place! it gives you the jibby jibbeesss!

5) Hands down the greatest mall to ever grace this earth.  OK I know its more drywall than store now but there are too many good memories in this place to not give it 5 stars.   

I have seen people "making love" in the back hallways, a fight between two fellows, one wielding mace and the other a screwdriver.  You have to pay for that kind of entertainment these days.   

Too much hate and not enough love for this mall, I hope it never gets torn down.

6) Ahhh, the mall that time forgot.  They will put up drywall in front of a storefront faster than anything I've ever seen.  I truly believe that magic drywall elves come out at night to board up where stores used to be.  I picture them singing some sort of song while they do it too...

But I digress...

Mall Positives:

- Not at all crowded

- Decent parking options

- Target is well stocked

- JCPenney has a decent selection

- Kiosk coffee place (Cuppy's) on first floor has good coffee

Mall Negatives:

- Over half the spaces are not used

- Odd Macy's there

- Oddly placed foodcourt

- A bit frightened of the drywall elves

Needless to say, I sent my characters to a different mall instead.  But if I ever write a story about the Zombie Apocalypse or a tribe of drywall elves, I've got the perfect setting. . .

You know you're an Arizonan in July if . . .

I live in Arizona which means that for the next three months, I will always win in the game of Who-Is-Having-the-Worst-Summer-Weather. Here are the ten reasons that illustrate why you should feel sorry for me.

 You know you're an Arizonan in July if . . .

1)      You’re not sure whether you’re having hot flashes or whether it’s just summer.

2)      A hundred degree forecast is a cold front.

3)      No matter what you set your washing machine’s temperature at, it comes out hot.

4)      Your car doubles as both a sauna and a sweat lodge.

5)      The butter tray becomes a butter puddle-holder unless it’s kept in fridge.

6)      You can’t actually fry an egg on the sidewalk, but you’ve tried.

7)      You can actually burn the bottom of your feet on the sidewalk.

8)      You have to blow dry your hair fast, or nature will do it for you.

9)      Hot chocolate loses all appeal (almost).

10)   Regular chocolate becomes hot chocolate within the time you buy it and the time you rip it open in your car.

(Funny how so many of my blogs end with chocolate. Okay, maybe not funny, just fitting . . . or not fitting if we're talking about my skinny jeans.)

More doll wrecks

Those of you who are faithful followers of this blog know that I have a thing for dolls. I was clearly doll-deprived as a child and have therefore made up for it by buying enough for three childhoods now.  Dolls sit around my house perched in cabinets and on my dresser (and according to one of my daughters watch us in a creepy manner).

The thing I love about dolls though is that they are like clean, obedient little children.  A beautiful doll embodies all the tender, precious things about motherhood.

With that in mind, you would think that people who are creating baby dolls would make tender, precious dolls--and usually they do.  If you look on ebay right now under "reborn dolls" you'll find hundreds of gorgeous, one of a kind dolls.  Here are a couple of good examples of reborn dolls.

Aren't they sweet? Don't you want to take them home? 

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

Unfortunately not all dolls or doll artists live up to these high standards. When I saw the next dolls listed, I didn't really get that  "warm" and "precious" vibe.  They seemed to be saying something altogether different. 

This doll is saying, "Get that @#$*& camera out of my face!" Either that, or he ate something that didn't agree with him.  Either way, this isn't a motherhood moment I'd want to pay money for.

The description for this doll said, "So lifelike!" Yeah, only if in real life your kids are ugly. If so, sorry, that hat isn't going to make junior's life any better.

This doll clearly just received terrible news. Did someone cancel Sesame Street?

The next doll says, well, your baby isn't all that bright. You don't need to set up that trust fund for Harvard quite yet.

And this is his future girlfriend.

You see this doll and wonder what has been put in his bottle, because he seems to suffering from a hangover.

This doll says start saving for that Harvard trust fund right away, because junior can already tell he's smarter than you. As soon as he's able to reach the keyboard he'll be sending out advertisements for parents more to his liking.  And by the way, you're out of Grey Poupon again.

And his sister doesn't think much of you either.

Okay, this next doll isn't a reborn doll. It's just a regular doll. I'm adding it because I think my daughter might be right about this one. He is watching you in a creepy manner.  (*shivers*)

If you want to see the links for my past doll wrecks blogs they're: http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/02/doll-wrecks.html

http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-doll-wrecks.html

The problem with public restrooms

I know what you’re thinking after reading that title. The sentence shouldn’t say, "problem", it should say "problems" because there are clearly many things wrong with public restrooms. At least that’s what you’re thinking if you’re a woman. If you’re a man, it may have never occurred to you that there are any issues at all—and that is the root of the problems with public restrooms. I'm not talking about dirt, empty toilet paper roll dispensers, and such. I'm talking about the fact that men clearly designed these places. And anyone who thinks urinals are an acceptable way to relieve oneself is not going to design a bathroom that women want to use.

Between a wedding and a family reunion, I’ve been traveling around a lot in the last two weeks, so this is an open letter of protest to whoever is building women’s restrooms.

Dir Sir,

1. Restrooms are not a place where men and women are equal. Due to that gift of nature that makes women want to rip off your head once a month, women need to use the restrooms more frequently than men. Build bigger bathrooms for women. Because having to wait in long lines makes us want to rip your head off even more.

2. Hand sensors at the sink are more trouble than they're worth. In theory sensors are a good idea. They would be a great idea if every restroom had them, but since some don’t, I find myself automatically holding my hands out underneath the faucet and waiting there like some desert traveler begging for water. And then I feel foolish when the person next to me walks up and flips the faucet handle on. A public restroom is not the place where I want to explain to strangers that I'm neither crazy nor incompetent when it comes to plumbing--I've just been conditioned, like one of Pavlov's famous pets, to stand there with my hands outstretched waiting for something to happen.

Also the faucet sensor is an especially annoying feature if you happen to knock your camera into the sink with your purse while you are wrestling paper towels out of a recalcitrant paper towel dispenser. This is not a time when you want the faucet to automatically turn on.

3. Automatic flush sensors at the toilet. This is a feature that men probably think women like. This is because men have never used these sorts of toilets in conjunction with the tissue paper toilet seat covers. Men, let me clue you into what happens when you use the two things together.

Step one: pull out the tissue paper cover from the wall receptacle.

Step two: tear out the middle so it will fit on the toilet.

Step three: carefully place the now ready tissue paper over the toilet seat to protect yourself from germs, grime, and the invisible toilet monsters that lurk in public restrooms.

Step four: start to do the necessary undressing.

Step five: watch as the toilet sensor decides the tissue paper constitutes something that needs to be flushed and whisks it and the water down the bowl.

Step six: repeat

        4. Hand sensors on the paper towel dispenser. Are you noticing a theme? You should. I frequently look like I'm practicing a jazz hands routine while I wave pointlessly at the paper towel dispenser. Either I am actually a vampire and have no body heat, or those sensors are temperamental things that hang onto their hoard of paper towels with Scrooge-like diligence.

Well, I'm back home now. Back to work and deadlines and my real life, but thankfully also back to my non-sensored bathroom.

More proof that authors are crazy

Authors are clearly crazy. Think about it. We make up a bunch of people and then write long drawn out conversations between them. Sometimes we have them kill each other and we cry over their demise. Craziness, pure and simple.

Authors also do things like spend months working on a project in the hope that some day, someone will want to pay them for it. Would truck drivers do this? Would plumbers? I think not.

But in case you needed more proof, take the case of Ray Dolin, who was working on a book called Kindness in America. He faked a drive by shooting in order to promote the book. Um, yeah, I'm willing to do a lot of things to promote my books, but shooting myself is not one of them. I have--in the spirit of promotion--offered to shoot my editor. I mean, I bet that would make people remember the book. But alas, thus far none of my editors has been willing to take one for the team, so to speak.

The sad thing about all of this is that even though Ray Dolin's hoax was discovered, his book has gotten an awful lot of publicity over the event. And what works for one author, other authors are sure to implement. I'm afraid this will lead to a rash of author shootings. ALA may turn into the equivalent of the old west. (Make sure you keep your distance from James Dashner and Robison Wells for a while. Both of them frequently have that crazed look in their eyes . . .)

Although I'm determined to stay out of the line of fire, I'm trying to think of ways to take my promotion to the next level. My next book is a time travel dystopia. So I've decided to time travel to promote the book. Anyone who knows how to get hold of Dr. Who's phone booth, let me know.

Things not to write in the wedding book

 My oldest daughter (code name Serena, after her favorite cartoon character) is getting married this week. My baby. If I had Prozac, I would be taking it. Instead I am consuming large amounts of chocolate, which probably doesn't work as well as Prozac but tastes much better. Utah readers, if you're coming to the reception bring me some Almond Joys as I'll be stuck in the receiving line and therefore unable to hang out by the chocolate fountain with a mug.

Anyway, in honor of the happy nuptials I'm going to rerun my list of the top ten things not to write in the bride and groom's wedding book. (That I originally posted for my niece's wedding.)

 I've never known what to write in the guest book. I mean, it's a keepsake that the bride and groom will cherish forever and you want to write something deep, meaningful, and unique but after standing with the pen poised in your hand for long enough that the line backs up, you finally scrawl out, "Best Wishes!" and move on.

 So our family got to talking about that . Or rather, we talked about the things that you should not write in the bride and groom's guest book. Here is the top ten list of things you shouldn't write:

1. This was really nice for your first wedding.
2. It's not too late for a pre-nup.
3. The office pool is giving you two years.
4. And who says you can't find nice bridal dresses at Walmart?
5. Apparently she couldn't have done better.
6. We don't actually know you. We just came for the food.
7. He must be a good catch; his first three wives had no complaints, God rest their souls.
8. For your wedding gift I got you that supply of penicillin.
9. At last, you found a way to get your green card!
10. Don't worry. Her ex didn't make parole.

In one minute: Why you should keep a journal

I love this freeze frame. It looks like my expression after my husband tells me that the dog has a stomach ailment--but no, I'm actually talking about why you should keep a journal.