Doll Wrecks

Anyone who's ever been to my house knows that I have a thing for dolls. Baby dolls, fashion dolls, American Girl Dolls. Truth be told, my daughter’s Magic Attic dolls have better wardrobes than I do—and more expensive ones too. But that’s a completely different subject.

The point is, I occasionally look at dolls on the Internet. You can find some dolls that are works of art on eBay, and they fetch artwork prices. For example, take a look at this one of kind “reborn” doll that is currently going for 820.00

Amazing right? Or how about this one?

I’m convinced some of the artists are just snapping pictures of their kids and posting them as dolls. But some of the one-of-a-kind dolls aren’t as charming as the first two I’ve shown you. In the constructive spirit of the Cake Wreck blog I'd like to offer some don'ts to the doll artists of the world.


Don't make your baby doll look like it is posing for a mug shot. This doll brings to mind all of those pictures of celebrities who are being carted off to jail for drunken behaviour. Is that the role model we want for Junior? I think not.

Don't make your dolls look like they are some sort of half-human half-alien cross breed. One can't help but think that these dolls might come to life sometime during the night and zap you back to their mother ship.


Crying dolls can be cute, but there is a difference between a few pleasantly pouty tears and a face that is scrunched up like the doll is suffering from a ruptured spleen. Really, this is not a moment in childhood that I would want to capture and keep.

My cousin once told me that all babies looked cuter if they had hair. Sadly, this is not true with dolls. There are some things hair is not going to fix. Like this next one.

And sometimes hair can actually make a doll look worse. Take for example, this one:
Yeah, he sort of looks like the Little Dutch Boy who has been seeing far too much of Little Debbie, Betty Crocker, and Captain Crunch.

And for the next doll . . .

All I can say is, "What the heck?!!" What is this even supposed to be? An impressionistic version of a baby doll? A broken mold? A method to scare young women into not having children?

And speaking of those horrible nightmares you have when you're pregnant where you dream you give birth to a goat, or kitten, or some other creature you weren't supposed to have--we don't need this sort of thing, doll artists, we really don't, so stop with the reborn monkeys. They're just creepy. That's why the makers of the Wizard of Oz gave monkeys wings and used them to terrorize Dorothy and generations of young viewers.

Okay pregnant women, look away, breathe deeply and tell yourself that you will give birth to a beautiful baby, not a furry creature or a half-alien spawn. I promise you it won't happen. And just so that you can get those images out of your mind, I'll post a picture of my one-of-a-kind artist created doll. But sorry eBay shoppers. He's not for sale.

In which I get interviewed in wings

Singing Lady Gaga, caught in a bad romance novel.

Maybe I’m just getting old (okay, there’s no maybe about it) but the last few paranormal romances I’ve read have really bugged me.

I’m not going to name names here—and I’m not bashing the paranormal genre. After all, one of the stories I’m working on is a paranormal romance. But I swear certain authors just took the Twilight characters, put a coat of varnish on them, and dropped them into their own novels. Hey, if it worked once, it’s bound to work again, right?

And okay, I can enjoy a Where-Have-The-Twilight-Characters-Popped-Up-Now book as well as anybody else. But there is one aspect of these novels that drives me crazy. I can buy paranormal beings and their assorted powers: vampires, werewolves, fairies, dragons, your basic undead sorts of guys and gals, whatever. The romance in these books, however, is too unbelievable. Here is the romance plot of these books in an ultra condensed version.

Guy walks in. Girl seems him. He’s hot. Really, really hot. Other girls are drooling but hot guy likes our heroine. In fact, he instantly loves her, which works out well, because she instantly and passionately loves him too. Why? We don’t know. Neither of these characters knows anything about the other except that they are eternally and irrevocably in love with each other. Oh, and at some point the girl learns that the guy has a dark, tormented side. This may or may not involve killing things. No matter, it’s love. They make-out a lot.

The guy buys the girl expensive gifts, watches her when she doesn’t know he’s there, and does other things that could classify him as a stalker. But it’s okay because he’s really, really hot.

Their love is so certain that a bad paranormal character wants to destroy the girl to hurt the guy. At this point in the book, I’m wondering why he cares since it's very easy for him to fall in love with near strangers.

Villain is conquered, but all is not well because guy and girl are sort of different species.

Maybe I’m just cynical in my old age, but that all-consuming-love-even-though-I-hardly-know-you just doesn’t seem believable to me.

I should probably go back and study Twilight and see why the love story worked for me in that book and doesn’t in the Almost-Twilight books.

Either that, or I need to incorporate that sort of love story into my paranormal romance. Come to think of it, the Almost-Twilight books have done pretty well . . . You and me, baby, we could write a bad romance.

Just wondering . . . and a Changing Hands Event

So I was looking through my daughter's latest Scholastic flyer and I saw this book by Stuart Gibbs. Is it just me, or did the rest of you suddenly wonder whether George and Martha had wandered into a bad neighborhood?



I bet it was George. He did, after all, have that gold tooth.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm going to be at this year's YAllapalooza on January 29th, at 4pm with a bunch of cool authors. Here's more info:

Changing Hands Bookstore presents YAllapalooza 2011, a literary extravaganza for tween and teen readers featuring free pizza, games, prizes and chance to mix and mingle with your favorite YA authors! We'll have a live game show that tests contestants' knowledge of young adult and middle-grade literature with games guaranteed to amaze and amuse. Attending authors include Lisa Mangum, Bree Despain, Karen Hoover, Cameron Stracher, Jessica Day George, Obert Skye, Janette Rallison, James Owen, Angela Morrison, Tom Leveen, Jon Lewis, Adam Rex, Laurie Brooks, Lisa McMann, and Kofi O. Okyere.


6428 S McClintock Dr, Tempe, AZ 85283

Come if you can!

Which reality show should your favorite princess be on?

A lot of reality shows have a sort of train wreck appeal to them. It's like a view into the underside of society.

But it occurred to me that it isn't just the Maury Povich Show rejects who end up on these shows. In fact, some people that you know, love, and grew up with could qualify as candidates. The Little Mermaid: Sure, her voice could put her on American Idol, but she's also got a dirty little secret that could land her on Hoarders.
Yeah, Ariel, your collection is more than complete.

Or how about Snow White? That frantic rush through the forest as she ran away from the Queen's huntsman could have been an episode of ManTracker. Or maybe she could do a spin off of Kate Plus Eight.
Snow Plus Seven. It could work.

Here are some other likely pairings.

Aladdin: Cops
Sleeping Beauty: Mystery Diagnosis
Jasmine: The Bachelorette
Beauty: Mr. Personality (Okay, probably most of you never watched this TV show, but I actually liked the premise, even if those dorky masks did make all the guys look like super villains.)
So who are your pics for the best celebrity pairings with reality TV?

What you could have gotten for Christmas

One of the harsh realities about Christmas is that you always end up getting something that you would never have bought for yourself. If you're really lucky, it's some decorative thing that you have to put up in your house somewhere because the giver will visit and wonder where it is.

But don't fret. It could always be worse. For example, your loved ones could have gotten you an Obama Chia Pet. Isn't America great? Where else could children dream about growing up to have their face on a Chia Pet?

Or how about these lovelies:

They're Worry Kitties. You're supposed to whisper your worry to one of the sympathetic Worry Kitties and then tuck the adorable critter 'neath your pillow before you go to sleep, and in the morning your worry will be gone!

Is it just me, or do the rest of you think that if you put one of these underneath your pillow, it would come to life sometime during the night and gnaw your ear off? That's what I'd worry about.

Need something even creepier? How about skeleton yard gnomes. Really, I am trying to imagine the new-product-meeting where some genius came up with this idea.

And who doesn't need a solar powered waving queen figurine? (At least they didn't make her into a chia pet.)

My last aren't-you-glad-you-didn't-get-it-gift will need a bit of explanation. I love dolls and spend far too much time on eBay perusing through doll listings. I especially love looking at the reborn dolls. This is not a religious movement, but a way of painting dolls into one of a kind masterpieces that could pass for real children. Take a look at the next picture for an example of what some artists can do:
Gorgeous, right? (It's on eBay right now for 125.00. I'm so tempted.)
Well, for some reason that is beyond me, people can't leave well enough alone, and this apparently applies not only to yard gnomes, but also to reborn dolls. Because the horrible new trend in the reborn dolls is--get this--reborn orangutans.

Yes, let's take something precious and make it creepy. Here's a reborn orangutan on eBay right now.

I am pretty sure this would frighten small children.

So then, your Christmas stash really wasn't all that bad, was it? And hey, if you need to go out and buy yourself a gift, I know of some great books you could buy. Just saying . . .

Far Fetched? I think not.

I've heard on more than one occasion that my plot lines are far fetched. Take My Double Life. A girl meets another girl who looks just like her, and thereby figures out that they share a father--a famous singer.

Couldn't ever happen in real life, right?

Apparently, wrong. My friend just sent me a link to Liv Tyler's biography and that is exactly how she figured out her father was Aerosmith's lead singer, Steven Tyler.

Here's the excerpt from People's biography:

Discovering Daddy Tyler
When Liv sees Mia (Steven's daughter with his first wife Cyrinda, who is a splitting image of Liv) at an Aerosmith concert in 1988, she realizes Steven is her biological father.

Yeah, that must have been some ride home with her mom after the concert.

Mia's a plus size model now, but I still think she looks a lot like Liv.


It's weird really, how even when you think you're being original, you're not.

interview and free books

A few blogs are giving away ARCs of My Double Life right now so I thought I'd let my blog readers know so they can enter. I'll update the list this week if google tells me of more blog giveaways. There's also a blog that's doing an interview, and since I know you're all memorizing Janette Rallison trivia and crave these sorts of details, I thought I'd add three of the questions here--sort of a teaser that will make you want to read the whole thing.

If you could travel in a Time Machine would you go back to the past or into the future?

Well, according to the latest novels (and we know authors are always right) the future is populated by dystopian societies that will do things like make you fight to the death in hunger games, choose your spouse for you, or put you in a deadly maze. Whereas the past was populated by numerous hot dukes, lords, and viscounts who were always looking for spunky heroines to settle down with. Taking that into consideration, I think I would visit the past.


If you could invite any 5 people to dinner who would you choose?

That depends whether my choices were limited to the living or if I could invite the dead too. (Although really, the dead don’t usually make good dinner guests.) It's too hard to choose just five, because George Washington gets all bent out of shape if you invite Abraham Lincoln and not him. So I’ll tell you which five writers I’d choose to have to dinner. Jane Austin, James Herriot, J.M. Barry, Ellen Conford (she was my favorite author growing up) and Charles Dickens

(Janette's note: I just finished reading The House of the Seven Gables and I can tell you right now that Nathaniel Hawthorne will never be invited to one of my chic and exclusive dead-author-dinner-parties because that man just drones on and on and on about the most pointless things.)


What is one book everyone should read?

Mine. Definitely. Just pick one—everybody should read it.

To read more of the interview, and a chance to enter the book giveaway go to:

http://iamareadernotawriter.blogspot.com/2010/12/bir2010-book-giveaway-my-double-life-by.html

You can find other book giveaways at:

http://fireandicephoto.blogspot.com/2010/12/janette-rallison-my-double-life.html
http://areadersramblings.blogspot.com/2010/12/best-ive-read-2010-day-6.html
http://www.bookscompleteme.com/2010/12/bir2010-book-spotlights-giveaway-my.html
http://www.onceuponatwilight.com/2010/12/bir2010-janette-rallison-interview-my.html

The Next Worry: Printing Mistakes

I just sent off the galleys for My Unfair Godmother--which basically means I will not see that manuscript again until it shows up on my doorstep as a hardback novel. You would think my worries about the book would be over.

But alas, no. Because now I get to worry about printing mistakes.

This deep-seated worry probably had its origins back when I worked in a bookstore. We got a shipment of Bill Cosby's book Fatherhood and proudly set them up in a display case. Not long afterward, a customer came up and showed me one of the books. It was completely full of blank pages. The customer wanted to know if it was supposed to be some sort of gag book--as in, this is all I know about fatherhood--nothing.

Nope. It was just a printing error.

That would be a bad mistake, but there are much worse.

Take for example Penguin's recent mistake in a cook book where instead of calling for freshly ground black pepper, the recipe instructed cooks to add freshly ground black people to the dish.

As you can imagine, this caused a costly recall and reprinting of books.

Although at least if you get that sort of mistake, people will understand it was a typo.

But take Anne McCaffrey's collection of short stories called Get of the Unicorn (as in, offspring of the unicorn). The publisher misspelled the title, calling it: Get off the Unicorn. They never fixed it, and a generation of readers has read it wondering: Was someone on a unicorn? And why were they supposed to get off?

Still, it probably is good advice. If you're on a unicorn, get off!

Here's crossing my fingers that there won't be any embarrassing printing mistakes in My Unfair Godmother . . .

Reminder--Book Party tonight.

That title sounds like a bunch of novels will be standing around the vegatable tray making small talk and complaining about their bindings.

But no, I'm hoping people will be involved in this event. Oh--and not only will there be a few books to giveaway--two of those books will be ARCs of My Unfair Godmother. If you have teen daughters--or if you just want to come to a book party--please stop by the Hamilton Chandler Library
Monday, Nov. 29 6:00 p.m. for the My Double Life Book Party

I'll do a reading, give some interesting back story on the book,and we'll be taking pictures in front of the paparazzi poster. Enjoy a Double Dutch demonstration, double snacks, and dress as your "celebrity double" for a chance to win a doubled prize!

10 reasons to be thankful you're an American writer in 2010

If you’re a writer in 2010 you have a lot to be thankful for. Here on Thanksgiving Day I thought I’d provide a list of the top ten reasons to be glad.

1)The computer.
Can you imagine writing out your manuscript by hand? And then having to rewrite it every time you made a change? I shudder at the thought. Typing it on a typewriter wouldn’t have been much different. No wonder Jane Austen only wrote six books. I’ve been writing for fourteen years and I'm writing book number nineteen right now. Thank heavens and all those geek inventors who came up with the computer.

2)Spell check.
It keeps us from looking like total idiots in front of our editors. (There are enough other ways to look like an idiot in front your editor. Not knowing the difference between hay and straw comes to mind.)

3)The Internet.
Not only does the Internet make it easy to send off your manuscript. (Who wants to wait in a line at the post office and pay postage for every draft?) It connects us to other writers. When my first book was accepted for publication in 1995, I didn’t know a single other published author. I had no one to ask about contracts or marketing. Now I’m on lists with over a hundred different authors. When I needed a new agent, I asked for recommendations and within minutes had answers.

4)YouTube.
Seriously, YouTube has been a blessing for researching things. Because—for some bizarre reason that escapes me—people out there have a desire to put every event and mundane task up on the Internet. When I needed to know how to use a spinning wheel, I found it on YouTube. When I needed to know what it looked and sounded like to shoot a rifle, it was there. Ditto for different martial arts moves, horse jumping, arrow shooting distances, and what sort of ground cover was in the Shenandoah forest.

5)Wikipedia.
If you need the facts on just about anything (like how many books Jane Austen wrote), it’s there. Before the Internet, it took weeks to research things that I can find out in seconds now.

6)A literate population.
Granted, they had cool clothes, but it would have been pretty darn hard to make a living as a writer during the Middle Ages.

7)Laptops.
I can write anywhere now—even in the comfort of my bed. (Well, I would be able to write anywhere if my cat didn't think the keyboard was an appropriate place to sit on.)

8)We’re not censored.
Oh, I know authors are crying censorship all of the time, but what they mostly mean is: “Hey, somebody decided not to buy my book for their school!” If that’s the case, I should be on the banned list because apparently there are a lot of schools out there that don’t buy my books. (Although mostly it’s just because they’ve never heard of me.) Nobody is telling publishers that they can’t print our books, or stores that they can’t carry our books, or shoppers that they can’t buy our books. If you want to know what real censorship is, try to set up a printing company in a middle eastern or communist country and see how far you get.

9)E-books.
Actually I have mixed feelings on this one, but I can’t deny that it’s a good thing that you can buy books instantly from your computer or that authors can put up their backlists.

10)Weird people.
With the amount of wackiness out in the world, we’re never going to run out of ideas.

And the winner is . . .

Shari--who is not only a follower, but a stalker as well!

Send me your address at jrallisonfans at yahoo dot com and I'll send the book to you.

Jonathan Stroud book giveaway

Those of you who know me, know one of my favorite books is The Amulet of Samarkand, so when its author, Jonathan Stroud, came to Scottsdale, I had to make the trip to see him. I had never been to The Poisoned Pen before and I ended up parking half a block away and then making my way through back alleys to get to the store. That's fan dedication for you.

I named one of the characters in My Unfair Godmother Bartimaeus in honor of the Bartimaeus in Jonathan's book. Again, this is true fan dedication considering that I am a lousy speller and I usually avoid names that are four syllables long and have as many vowels as consonants. I gave Jonathan an ARC of My Unfair Godmother. Here he is saying, "You obviously don't know the difference between hay and straw."

Okay, not really, but I'm sure that's what he'll think when he reads the book.

Here is a picture of me with super librarian Tim Loge from Hamilton High. He's the one that's putting on the My Double Life book party on November 29th (Come and you could win an ARC of My Unfair Godmother--it's one of the prizes.) Anyway, Tim was there too and walked me to my car afterward so I didn't get mugged by any of the criminals who wander around Scottsdale at night. Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty.

Now to the book giveaway part. I bought another copy of The Amulet of Samarkand to give to one of my lucky commenters. (Or at least alucky commenter who lives in the US or Canada). Leave a comment and tell me what your favorite book from the last ten years is and Random.org will choose the winner. Blog followers get double chances, so be sure to say if you're a follower.

Here is the cool cover that I like. Unfortunately that isn't the cover for the paperback. The cover on the paperback is below. (You'll just have to pretend it's the cool one.)
May the numbers be with you!

Upcoming events: calling all fairies, celebrities, and readers

As you can see, I'm wearing wings, which means it's Faerie Festival time again! Come mingle with fey folk. It's like Halloween for adults.

I'll be there Saturday, November 20th, doing a reading from one of my fairy godmother books at 3:30-4:00 and then signing books.

It's at Estrella Mountain Regional Park
14805 West Vineyard Avenue
Goodyear, AZ 85338

On a completely unrelated note, I found this darling fairy purse for sale online at: http://www.buycostumes.com/Fairy-Pouch/21198/ProductDetail.aspx?REF=SCE-pricegrabber.

What do you think--should I buy it? I mean, it's a want not a need, but it's just so cute. And now that you've looked at the link, you want one too, don't you? They also sell wings and fairy costumes if you happen to need a new fairy dress. (Although some of them look more like stripper fairies. Makes you wonder what Tinkerbell did in her spare time.)

You can check out more info on the festival at: http://www.westerngatesfaerierealms.com/PhoenixFaerieFestival.htm

If you are not of the fairy persuasion, I have a couple more events you might enjoy.

My Double Life Book Party at the Hamilton library (attached to Hamilton High)
3700 S Arizona Ave, Chandler, AZ

Monday, Nov. 29 6:00 p.m.- Meet famous Teen Author Janette Rallison, Double Dutch demonstration, double snacks, and dress as your "celebrity double" for a chance to win a doubled prize! For ages of 12 Years and 18 Years old. (And their mothers, of course)


I'll be reading from My Double Life, hopefully coming up with a few interesting things to say, and we'll be taking some of those awesome pictures in front of the paparazzi.

And last but not least, On Tuesday, November 30th, I'll be signing books at the Chandler Traditional Academy (Independence campus) Family Literacy Night 5:00-7:00
You can get a free My Fair Godmother poster if you come . . .and you know you really should get one since you talked yourself out of buying the fairy purse.

1405 W Lake Dr., Chandler, AZ 85248
located just west of the intersection of Lake Dr. and Alma School Rd., near Snedigar Park.

Hope to see you there!

Why writers shouldn't write warning signs, part two

Writers have vivid imaginations. It shows up even when they write No Parking signs

Book give-away/name that book

I love the Polish people. I don't know any Polish people personally, but I love them anyway because they keep buying my books. I think that says something about their inherent good humor and fine taste in literature.

Sometimes my publisher sends me the Polish additions of my books, which is very cool. Here you can see that 1,000,000 sprzedanych ejzemplarzy!!!

I am not actually sure what that means, but I hope that it means I've sold a million books, because I know I'm pretty close to that number. (The last I heard on the cover of My Double Life, it said I'd sold nearly a million books.)

You would think that my publisher would tell me these sorts of details, but no, I only learn them from the flap copy of my books.

Anyway, when I got this book it took me several minutes to figure out what book it was. And then when I did figure it out, I couldn't believe that I hadn't realized it as soon as I saw the cover.

So for all you true-blue Janette Rallison fans, I'm doing a book giveaway that Random.org isn't involved in. The first person who can guess which of my books this is the Polish version of, will win the English version of the book. (Or the Polish one if you'd rather.)

You only have one guess, (no fair listing all of my books).

Good luck!

Ambien and me.

Insomnia has long been my nemesis. It used to be that I would only get it if I was stressed, or upset, or excited, or in a different bed, or if the air molecules weren't circulating in just the right way in the room.

But last year all of that changed. Meaning, it got worse. For two weeks straight I was averaging about four hours of sleep a night. I felt like my head was about to fall off my body. It was literally hard to think straight.

Surprisingly, it didn't affect my writing ability all that much. I actually wrote a good portion of My Unfair Godmother during that time. (What else are you going to do when you wake up at three in the morning?) It did, however, affect other important cognitive functions, like being able to discern the difference between laundry soap and fabric softener. I was constantly pouring the wrong one into the washing machine. In my defense, they were both in blue bottles. Okay, one was a light blue bottle that read: FABRIC SOFTNER and the other was in a dark blue bottle that read: CHEER, but still. Who notices those sort of details when your head is about to fall off?

So I finally went to my doctor and he prescribed Ambien.

I must admit I was a bit worried after I read about the side effects. The list starts out with dizziness, and daytime sleepiness, and then if you're still reading it mentions that people have gotten out of bed, driven vehicles, eaten food, made phone calls, oh yeah, and had sex while not fully aware.

Come again, what?

I began to wonder if taking that little pink pill would unleash some sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde sort of thing. What exactly was my Ambien personality going to do? But then I thought, Hey--maybe my Ambien personality will finish my manuscript!

Alas, that has never happened. Maybe I should have noticed in the side effect section that not once did it ever say: People have gotten out of bed and done their work. Which makes me wonder if all those people who got caught doing those other things were just using Ambien as an excuse. (No really, Officer, I don't know what I'm doing here in the red light district. It must be the Ambien.)

Anyway, I'm very glad to have my little pink friend on nights when I can't sleep. I highly recommend it--even if your Ambien personality won't be doing your work for you.

Teen writing class Oct 23

For those of you in the Arizona area, I'll be at Litchfield Park Branch Library, 101 W. Wigwam Blvd., Litchfield Park.

Saturday, Oct 23
2:00

Writing the Teen novel for teens. (Although I imagine moms who bring their teens will be able to sit in too.)

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/community/swvalley/articles/2010/10/19/20101019litchfield-park-teen-read-week.html#ixzz136euOfkd

Then again, being a writer is less stressful than playing golf

Probably a lot of you have seen this picture of Tiger Woods accidentally hitting a golf ball right at a camera. It's being hailed as artistic or ironic or just amazing--because what are the chances that you're going to get a picture of Tiger Woods hitting a golfball at your camera?

But here's the thing that got my attention. Do you see the crowd that's behind him watching him play? EEEEEK! How many of us could spell our name accurately let alone hit a golf ball if a crowd that size was watching to see whether we messed up or not?

I realize that I have that many people reading my books and more. They'll know whether I bomb my next book. Still, I am sooo glad they're not watching me type or I'd be too stressed out to put my fingers on the keyboard.

So yeah, being a writer is great. We can spend time editing out our mistakes so the world doesn't see them.

Cathy W come on down!

Okay, this isn't the Price is Right, but I've always wanted to say that anyway. Cathy W, you won, so email me your address at jrallisonfans at yahoo dot com and I'll send your book to you.

The rest of you, don't despair, I'll be doing another book give away soon.

Win Mother's Daze

One of the funnest parts of going to writers' retreats is meeting new authors and getting their books. Author Jane Still generously donated one of her books to give away on my blog. It's an 82 page Erma-Bombeck style book on the joys of pregnancy and motherhood.

My favorite part was about morning sickness:

I find it ludicrous that some men, including doctors, have the nerve to suppose that throughout the entire span of history, women were so stupid that they couldn't invent a sickness that was a little less repulsive. If I were going to concoct a disease, it would have something to do with eating expensive chocolate. It would not involve sticking my head inside a toilet for a preview of last night's dinner being re-served in the form of warmed-over soup.

So, so true. Do you know who came up with the idea that morning sickness was a psychological phenomena? Freud. Do you know why he thought that? Because he was never pregnant.

Anyway, if you'd like a chance to win Mother's Daze, leave a comment in my blog about your favorite or least favorite part of motherhood. My followers get double chances and if you also happen to be a follower of Jane Still, make sure to mention it and you will get triple chances.

Her blog is at http://janeisfeldstill.blogspot.com/

Editors and Light bulbs

Because I'm still doing revisions (I would be done now if I'd written a 250 page book, but no, I just had to write one that was nearly 400 pages. When will I ever learn?)I thought I would tell an editor joke--but first, here are some writer jokes.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

Another book give-away

Angela Fox, who've I've known for years through SCBWI and one of my writing email lists, is doing a Janette Rallison interview and book give-away on her blog. It's a video interview that for some reason (technology hates me) I look like Max Headroom in a couple of places. I must also warn you that I laugh excessively in said video. This is because Angela is hillarious and always makes me laugh.

Here's the link:

http://amusedcritic.com/interviews/skype-video-interview-with-janette-rallison-2-books-to-give-away/

For a chance to win a book, leave a comment in her blog.

The number one reason being an author is a great job

Because you can count reading as work. Here's a 30 second video I did for another author's presentation about why reading is cool.

This cartoon pretty much sums up revisions

Yeah, I'm back to revising . . . and eating cookies . . .

writing gaffes

As I sit here waiting for the UPS man to bring me my latest manuscript so I can wade through my editor's revision comments, I am reminded of the many bloopers I've inadvertently written into early drafts.

I had a nurse who sighed patiently. (Well, how else is she going to sigh?)
I had a guard who looked at the heroine with a guarded expression. (Again, that's a given.)
And of course there is my infamous snake (which you wouldn't want in your mouth) who became a snack during the climax scene. (Not such a bad thing to have in your mouth.)

I have had characters walk down aisles and an ethereal smile that spellcheck turned into a urethral smile. (I'm not sure how that's even possible.)

But probably my all time favorite writing blooper wasn't written by me at all, but by my writer friend, Paige. In a draft for our critique group, she wrote a story about a princess who accidentally cast a spell that turned the castle staff into animals. These animals then did their eliminating business all over the castle floor. She and her family have to clean up the poop. While she is cleaning, she thinks about asking her family for help breaking the spell, but then reasons that her family already has their hands full.

Which of course makes the reader wonder exactly how the royal family is cleaning up the mess.

This my friends, is why you should never publish your first draft.

Random.org has spoken

And today our benefactor of true randomness likes Hall Family. So Hall Family send me your snail mail address at jrallisonfans at yahoo dot com and I'll send you your ARC.

And for the rest of you--I loved all of your wishes and wish I could be fairy godmother and grant them all. But you're probably better off that I'm not. I have a feeling I might be like Chrissy and then instead of having laundry that magically took care of itself, you'd have no clothing.

But never fear, I'll have another giveaway before the book comes out. And remember you no nothing about the difference between hay and straw.

My Unfair Godmother ARC giveaway

Now that you've all finished Mockingjay (Do not tell me the ending!!! I'm still not done with it because my teenage daughter got to it first.) I know you're all looking for some other awesome book.

And what could be awesomer (I know that's not a word, but it should be) than catching up with our favorite incompetent fairy godmother, Chrysanthemum Everstar? So here's your chance to win an ARC before they even go to the reviewers.

Just leave a comment telling me what you would do if a fairy godmother gave you a wish (and no cheating by asking for more wishes, or to have magic, or anything else that would give you more wishes.)Be sure to mention if you're a blog follower since followers get double chances.

And remember--you're agreeing to overlook that whole business about hay and straw not being the same thing and all the other little problems that I hope I caught in the last draft.

May the Random Number Generator be with you!

The difference between hay and straw and why you should know

Actually, you don’t need to know the difference between hay and straw, and I’m hoping you think they're interchangeable. That way you won’t notice the glaring mistakes in the ARC of My Unfair Godmother.

So call me a city girl—I’ve never dealt with either plants, and when I was putting my own spin on the story of Rumpelstiltskin I called the straw hay half the time. I even had a couple characters wonder what the horses would eat if all the straw in the kingdom were turned into gold.

About half of you are laughing right now because you know horses don’t eat straw. Now that I’ve done a little research, I know that pretty much nothing eats straw because it has no nutritional value. This is probably why people in the Middle Ages used it to stuff mattresses and for bedding in the barn. (I did know that much.)

In my defense, Rogert’s Fourth Edition Thesaurus lists straw under the food category and there’s that scripture in Isaiah about the millennium that says the lion will eat straw like the ox—which I suppose is a translation error since there’s that no-nutritional-value problem which makes straw unappealing to animals. (Although my children seem to love foods with no nutritional value.)

I’ve had two people read My Unfair Godmother and one of them told me about the straw/hay problem. I emailed my editor and told her about the issue. I thought she was going to fix it before the manuscript went to ARCs, but no, I just an ARC and the straw is hay half the time.

Sigh.

I hate looking like an idiot.

Anyway, this whole blog is just a preamble to tell you that next week I’m going to give away an ARC. But you have to pretend you don’t know the difference between straw and hay.

My top ten writing tips

Here's an article I did for WriteOnCon about staying power:

I used to think that having a book published was an approval stamp of my writing ability—like having stores carry my novel meant I had mastered the craft. Ah, what charming naiveté I had back then.

Truth be told, I knew very little about plotting when I started out. I got lucky that my first story came together without much effort on my part. That happens sometimes. But you can’t depend on it.

If I could attribute my success at being able to continue to sell novels to one thing, it would be all of the hours I’ve logged in trying to learn how to improve my writing. (Well, that and the fact that I seem to have an unending supply of embarrassing moments from my real life that I can use in my books.)

So here are a few of the most important things I’ve learned while writing the last sixteen books. (Numbers seventeen through nineteen will be out next year.)

1) Make writing a habit. Find a time every day to do it. I’ve written while nursing newborns. I’ve written while waiting for kids at swimming, dancing, and gymnastics lessons. (Did I mention I have five kids?) You don’t need to wait for inspiration. Write when you can and the inspiration will come.

2) Take advantage of other authors—no, not literally—I mean take advantage of the vast amount of information authors offer you. Right now I have over forty-five books on writing sitting on my bookshelf. You can find a book on any aspect of the craft that you need. Get some and read them. They will save you a ton of time on revisions.

3) Which leads me to a couple of points of craft that you really should know before you sit down to your computer: Don’t let your characters wander through your novel without motivation and goals. If you do, your reader will want to slap your character. Repeatedly. Whatever genre you’re writing, your main character has a problem and your book is the story of how they deal with that problem. Your character should have a goal and be working toward it. Check over each scene and ask yourself what conflict is going on in each one.

4) Your character must have reasonable motives for everything they do. Granted, in real life people do things without thinking. They often make no sense. Take, for example, Lady Gaga’s wardrobe choices. Or the fact that teenage boys are all currently brushing their hair forward so that it looks like it is attacking their faces. You see my point. However, your characters must always have clear reasons for the things they do or you’ll lose reader sympathy.

5) Have a satisfying ending. It doesn’t necessarily have to be happy (although most readers prefer that type) and your main character doesn’t have to reach their goal, but you as the author have an unwritten contract with your readers. You’re asking them to invest their time and money in your story and you in return need to answer your story question and tie up loose threads. Your ending is not a dream, it is not a jumping off point to your next novel, and whatever else you do, it is not some artsy non-ending where the reader is supposed to interpret for themselves what it all means. If readers wanted to come up with their own endings, they would write their own stories, not buy yours.

6) Learn to use point of view. Put us deeply into your character’s head and we’ll care about what happens to him or her.

7) All right, now I’m getting off the craft soapbox and going on to a few other things I’ve learned. Selling the book isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. Oh, I know you thought you were just supposed to sit back and write the book, but not so, my friend, not so. You’re supposed to be out promoting yourself. This means doing a website, contacting newspapers, bookstores, and any other venue that might be interested in your book. This means—in my case—getting up in front of auditoriums full of junior high kids and giving presentations. And what could be more fun than a crowd of antsy, hormonal teenagers? Well, sometimes live tarantulas, but that is beside the point—because very few tarantulas buy books.

8) Network with other writers. Pretty much everything I’ve learned about this business has been from fellow authors. They’ve sent me flyers so I can see what’s supposed to be on them, they’ve told me how to write proposals for conferences, and pointed me in the direction of people who can do booktrailers. They’ve listened while I’ve griped about revisions and cheered me up when I’ve been so burned out I was spitting out ashes. There are tons of email lists and critique groups out there. Find one you like and join.

9) Read a lot. Not only is it fun, it will help improve your sense of pacing. That’s like eating a Snickers bar and having it help you lose weight. (I keep eating Snickers bars, by the way, and so far it hasn’t actually helped me lose weight.)

10) Keep in mind that writing books will probably not make you rich or famous. In fact, it probably won’t change your life all that much—unless you count the fact that you will have less time to do housework. Write because you love writing

I stand corrected

The cover of my book, Playing the Field, has always bothered me, because as I told the Bow-Tied one long ago, "People don't stand that way."

I mean, really, have you ever stood there contemplating something with your hand on your chin?


But apparently some people do. Or at least the French president does. Clearly, my main character is destined for a life of politics. Or girl watching.

Why writers shouldn't write warning signs

Ahh, but I really wanted to prance across the plants . . .

Apparently the random number generator can be bribed

Because the first person Randy chose was Candace, who promised to send him chocolate if she won. I'm not sure how you're actually going to get that chocolate to the random number generator, Candace, but I'll let the two of you work that out.

Botterfly girl is also a winner so send me your addresses at jrallisonfans @ yahoo dot com. And Vanessa (last week's winner) your book is still sitting on my countertop. I went off to a writers retreat thinking that my dear husband would read my mind and know he was supposed to take that to the post office, but apparently he flunked mind-reading classes.

winner and next book give-away

Random.org--whom I am now on a first name basis with, so I've taken to calling him Randy for short--has chosen the winner. Vanessa, it's you, dear! The very last commenter. How's that for true randomness? So Vanessa, send me your address and I'll send you a signed ARC.

But the rest of you that Randy unintentionally snubbed still have a chance because my French translator, Erzsi Deak, has an interview with me on her site in honor of the French release of My Fair Godmother, called: Le Troisieme Voeu (The Third Wish)

So here's the deal, read the interview (Oh come on, I know you all want to read about my embarrassing algebra moment) and leave a comment on my blog about something you learned from the interview. I'll give away two more ARCs. Followers get double chances the next week when I sit down with Randy again.

Here's the link:

http://erzsideak.com/

Another book give-away

I should probably clean more. Who knows what I'd find? While going through the game room yesterday, I discovereed some ARCs (advanced reading copies) of My Fair Godmother. Yeah, I probably should have found a homes for those long ago. I'll start by giving one away here. That said, keep in mind that ARCs have typos in them. Usually the typos aren't that bad, but in My Fair Godmother . . . yowza. I think the publisher used someone who didn't actually speak English to go over them. Why else would somebody change the word Yankee to yanker? I mean, that makes no sense. When was the last time someone told you, "Go home, yanker!"

It sounds vaguely obscene.

Worst still, in the climax a snake is a snack. Yep, not many people are really afraid of snacks so it changed the whole meaning of the scene.

But who knows, if the book ever becomes a movie, maybe those typo-filled ARCs will become collector editions. (This is my attempt to make you covet one.)

Since Chrysanthemum Everstar, Fairy Godmother extraordinaire, loves to send people to fairy tales, I'll need to choose some new fairy tales for book three--assuming I ever do a book three.

So to enter to win, leave a comment about which fairy tale/myth/folk story hero you would like to see in book three. (Keeping in mind that Cinderella, Snow White, Rumpelstiltskin, and Robin Hood have already been used.)

Followers get double chances, so mention if you are a follower in your comment.

And may you live happily ever after!

Celebrity Fashion

I've always been grateful that authors don't count as real celebrities, since there is some unwritten law that celebrities have to frequently dress like expensive clowns. I mean, really, what was Rihanna thinking when she bought this outfit? And for that matter, what was the fashion designer thinking when s/he designed it?

I'm imagining some drunk guy with a fake European accent saying, "At last, I have created the perfect blend between water-wings and dice!"

Or how about anything Lady Gaga wears. This for example:
The perfect blend of a life jacket and a disco ball.

But recently it has occurred to me that the reason that celebrities dress this way is so that people will plaster their photos around. Hey, it's free advertising. In this spirit, I'm beginning to think that I should dress like a celebrity at all upcoming author functions. So what do you think I'd look better in this:

Or this:

Maybe I'll just save myself time and wrap a roll of tin foil around my body.

How you know it's summer in Phoenix

Your cats shed a lot. Yeah, she looks innocent, but she has ulterior motives for wanting to be petted. Honestly, this cat creates fur clouds every summer.