Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Creepy Christmas gifts--the annual report

It's that special time of year when random companies send me their catalogs. I don't know why anyone thinks I might want to buy Meerkat statues, dancing pigs, or dress-able squirrel magnets, but apparently I fit the demographic, because the catalogs keep showing up. Of course, even the stores have their share of creepy Christmas presents.  Here's my top pick of things you probably won't want to receive this Christmas. (If you're afraid any of your relatives might send you these things, do yourself a favor and email them the blog link.)

First off, let's talk about Dora the Explorer--that charming little girl who wanders the countryside, constantly lost.  Last year I was creeped out to see the Dora Pillow Pet because it looks like some horrible species-cross-breeding experiment that went horribly wrong.  (When did people become pets?)

Do not ask what Dora is doing with those Winnie the Pooh Pillow pets. You don't want to know.

I had high hopes that Dora would be back to her normal winsome self this year. Alas, it was not to be. I walked by a store and saw this.

 If I were Hello Kitty, I'd be nervous. Apparently Dora ate her last sidekick. 

Dora's new "husky" size  made me wonder about the obesity problem here in the US. Why are we so overweight?  And then I saw these next Christmas ornaments.

Since when did  Christmas trees start doubling as snack bars? How food obsessed are we as a nation that we think strips of raw meet are a good decorating medium?

Okay, enough talk about obesity. In the last week, I have eaten far too many sugar cookies, gingerbread men, and brownies  to get up on a soapbox about junk food. (And okay, I did just buy a cupcake ornament--but it was cute.)

Speaking of Christmas decorations, here's a two-story tall blow up Santa. Nothing will thrill junior quite as much as a Santa the same size as King Kong.  I mean, that's not going to cause any nightmares. The reason Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake is because he can look right into your bedroom window. And he does . . .

What do you get the person who has everything? How about a horse head mask? I mean, how many times have you been walking around your house wishing you could slip into something a little more equine?  I love how the horse looks startled--like he's just watched the decapitated horse head scene from the Godfather.

Sometimes I think certain gift ideas must have come about after drunken parties in the marketing department. Marketeers were clearly trying to outdo each other by finding the absolutely stupidest objects they could make people in third world sweatshops produce. This mounted squirrel head (only 24.95) is not only sold by Wireless, it's on the cover of their catalog. Yep, the flagship of gifts, the hot item this year--a fake, dead, half a squirrel. Personally, I'd expect a real, dead, half a squirrel for that much money.

Just kidding! Lest I get angry comments about my inhumanity toward fake or real squirrels, let me emphasize that I love animals as much as the next person--in fact, arguably more, since I have so many cats I have been accused on more than one occasion of hoarding them. (The strays come and refuse to leave. It's really not my fault.)  However, even I--animal lover that I am--found these next shirts creepy.

Remember the scene from Alien when an alien popped out of somebody's stomach? Yeah, that's pretty much the impression you'll give people if you wear this shirt.  And the cat shirt--is it just me or does the cat look like it's just as horrified by this fashion choice as everyone else?
Lastly, for a mere 109.95 you can buy a two and a half foot tall Green Thumb garden statue. 
All I can say about it is: Well, at least it's not the middle finger. That, I suppose, would really be more of a statement to your home owners association than an actual Christmas gift.

Sadly, there are many, many more tacky gifts where these came from. 

If you want a great gift--and one that's a lot less than 109.95, try one of my books. I promise it will give you more enjoyment than half a squirrel or a gigantic, severed garden thumb.

If you're into romantic comedies about women who work for hot, single movie stars: 


If you'd like to see past years creepy gifts, you can check them out here:





Angela said...

What a blast! Besides having a great grasp of perspective, what a great…grasp of perspective…such artists have to pour so much heart into something so ephemeral.


Tiana Smith said...

Seriously, where do you find these things? LOL. Craziness. Also, Slayers 2 now has a cover????? And I LOVE it! Sooo good!

CJ Hill said...

Thanks, Angela!

Tiana, actually the new cover is for the paperback version of Slayers 1. Supposedly the cover for Slayers 2 is similar in style, but the publisher hasn't shown it to me yet--even though I've begged to see it.

I do like it, and I think it does a really good job of conveying what the book is about, but I do worry that boys won't pick it up. With my more "boy-friendly" hardcover I have a lot of boy readers.

And where do I find the creepy Christmas gifts? I don't find them; they find me.

Liliana said...

Oh that is too funny! The bacon ornament just reminded me of a post i was just reading like 2 minutes ago. The author of Croak, Gina Damico, themed her Christmas tree...mustaches and bacon! It's SO funny! http://ginadamico.wordpress.com/2012/12/18/the-theme-tree/

Donna K. Weaver said...

Your commentaries always make me smile.

jazzegigi said...

That half squirrel, fake or real, is very, very creepy. I'd like to know how a human being comes to create such an object...

Janette Rallison said...

Donna, Thanks!

Jazzegigi, I'm pretty sure there had to be a lot of alcohol involved in that decision . . .

Rachel said...

LOL, I was just given a calendar that a Thai friend had printed of herself in lots of different fashion poses. It's covered in Hello Kitties as well.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with it :)

halwits said...

These are lovely Christmas gifts that you have shared here with us.


Janette Rallison said...

Rachel, my husband got me an electronic cockroach-looking bug. I immediately thought it should have been on this list.

Halwits, thanks!

Anna Maria Junus said...

Thanks for the nightmares. Creepy indeed. Perhaps they are intended for those kids you don't like.

k said...

Thanks for the good laugh - definitely designed by the beer goggles crowd. It's hard to imagine that these things would actually sell...

Anonymous said...

I wonder when people will see bacon, even as an "ornament" for what it really is: a slice of a pig's body. Pigs are among the most intelligent of animals and highly sentient. I think we will be judged harshly in future generations for our tolerance of abuse to pigs, especially because it is so very unnecessary.

petersmith said...

The publisher hasn't shown it to me yet--even though I've begged to see it. Pawn My Watch

http://mejoresfrasesdecumpleanos.com/ said...

but things so cute, I love it!

Melis07 said...

Is Masquerade a republished book? I think I've read it and have it somewhere in my collection!