Friday, August 12, 2011

Other Downgrades We Should Make



In light of the S&P downgrade to America’s credit rating, we here at the Rallison Think Tank have been pondering what other things in the world ought to be downgraded. We’ve come up with a list of ten.

1) The Great Salt Lake. It has now been downgraded to: The Average Salt Lake. With that fishy smell, um, it’s really not all that great.

2) Mars. For decades it’s promised us invading Martians with ray guns, but thus far all the planet has produced in the way of scientific interest is the possibility that it once had water. Big deal. We’re downgrading it to: Pluto.

3) Rock stars with royalty names. Sorry Prince and Lady Gaga. Although we like some of your songs and you amuse us with your sparkly clown outfits, you’re still not monarchs. We’re downgrading you to: ‘talented peasants’ status and will refer to you respectively as “Wench Gaga” and “Plow Boy”.

4) California. Its motto says that it’s The Golden State. But with gold prices being what they are, we’re downgrading California to: The Plastic State. It fits better anyway.

5) Las Vegas. For years it has been luring tourists to its casinos with pictures of girls in feathered headdresses and promises that transferring our bank accounts into the slot machines will be fun! But I don’t think so. We’re downgrading Las Vegas from a vacation destination to: A Sauna With Flashing Lights. And we’re changing its name to Loss Vegas.

6) Hershey Kisses. With a name like “Kisses” and a product that is supposedly made of chocolate, you’d think this candy would be something to swoon over. But no. Hershey Kisses actually have a waxy taste, which makes us wonder who Hershey was kissing. We are therefore downgrading Hershey Kisses to: Brown Crayons.

7) The dollar. Due to its buying power, it’s been downgraded and will now be referred to as: A Flammable Quarter.

8) The physical book. It’s not that I don’t love them. I want bookstores to sell lots of physical books. But alas, the experts keep predicting their demise and last I heard, sales were down 40 percent. Therefore we sadly downgrade physical books to: The Hallmark Card Section of the Grocery Store. People who care, still want to send the very best. We will now stop with this analogy as we are sniffling.

9) The Great Wall of China. Okay it’s big and impressive but did it ever really stop anybody from invading? Therefore we’re downgrading it to: The Longest Tourist Site Ever Created By Man.

10) Congress. We’re downgrading it to: A Reality Show. And we wish it wasn’t our reality that it was messing up.

18 comments:

John Nofsinger said...

How about the Silicon State? And have you seen the new dollar coin? Nothing flammable about that, though I hear It skips well on a calm lake.

Marsh Mayhem said...

Both my husband and I got a good laugh out of this. Particularly your kicker, #10.

Small Review said...

love it! :P

Lulu (The Bookworm is Here!) said...

Hahaha *breaks* hahaha ok, ok I'll stop. But these are seriously so true yet so hilarious! Very creative... lol worthy *wipes tear* Sigh. That just made my day :)

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Great list. Especially #5.
"Las Vegas, the town built by losers."

Nicole M. White- said...

So funny, so true. thanks!

Janet Johnson said...

Too funny! Loss Vegas is hilarious!

owlette said...

wow it's like your reading my mind:)

Elle Strauss said...

Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.

storyqueen said...

Hahaha! Flamable quarter! Well done.

Janice said...

Yet I still can't say no to Hershey's Kisses. Waxy chocolate is still chocolate.

Sara B. Larson said...

Hysterical (as always)!

earwaxtasteslikecrayons said...

I want to sit in on a Rallison Think Tank session. Thank you for the laugh--

Janette Rallison said...

Mostly we think about chocolate--the good kind--although sometimes we also think about pizza. Every once in awhile other ideas strike us. Like in the middle of the night I thought, "Hey, I have less than two months until my next book is out. Maybe I should be doing something to promote it."

Then I went back to thinking about chocolate.

Admiral Lily said...

Bahahahahah!!!

Anonymous said...

- i have a question that is almost completely off the subject. (well really, it is completely off the subject) but, Janette, why is it that all of your main character girls fall in love with a boy with brown hair, brown eyes and a square jaw? im kinda hoping your next book will have the girl fall in love with a boy with dirty blond hair and green eyes.

i do still love your books, but change is good, too -

Janette Rallison said...

Wow, I'm actually going to have to go through my heroes. (Especially since my husband has blond hair and blue eyes.)Maybe they have brown hair because a lot of my heroines are blonde. Or maybe they have brown hair because I can never remember when the word is supposed to be spelled blond and when it's supposed to be blonde. Brown is only spelled one way. Much easier.

Hudson--yep, wavy brown hair and brown eyes.
Grant--brown hair, blue eyes.
Tristan--blond hair, can't remember eye color. I think it was blue though.
Steve Raleigh. I've completely forgotten, which is ironic because he asks Annika about his eye color so you'd think I'd remember it.
The other 13 are a blur.

In the next book, Slayers, there's a love triangle. One guy has blond hair and blue eyes, the other has brown hair and brown eyes. I will not reveal which guy she ends up with, although judging from the precedent I've set, one could guess.

In Erased Time (I think that will be the title) the hero has blue hair and blue eyes. (You didn't see that coming, did you?) But you're right, I do seemed to have overlooked dirty blond and green eyes. I will have to remedy that situation in a future book.

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

Love this! Wish we could downgrade some of those things cause your right on.

Kathi