Monday, December 19, 2011

Worst Christmas Gifts You Can Give

I wish I could say that I had to look long and hard to find these horrible gifts, but no. I'm apparently on the catalog list for crazy people, and I get dozens of Gifts-for-the-Bizarre magazines. Without further ado (because there is enough doo-doo in this list) here are some gifts that will win you no brownie points with your friends and relatives.

What could be more tacky than dog poop on your lawn?
A sign with a dog pooping that you put in your lawn. I'm sure this is a lovely sight to see each morning. I bet the Home Owners Association will have nothing to say about it.

And speaking of poop (because what says the holidays better than poop?) here's a charming gift for that special someone in the office.
It poops paperclips, combining all that is sophomoric and unprofessional in one convenient desk item.

Looking for nostalgia? How about a gift that will remind you of those childhood days where you trapped unsuspecting bugs in an old jar and most likely left them to die on your dresser. Yep, just let these little babies blink on and off in their pathetic attempts to gain freedom. Plus, your loved ones will know that you spent actual money on this gift--which is worth approximately an old jar and some bugs.


This Granny sling shot would be a great gift for, um, uh, Grandpa, after Grandma runs off with Enrique, the poolboy.


How about a matching set of hats that look like sharks are eating your head? Junior will need therapy after this gift. For many reasons.

A lot of the items we sell here in America have the made in China label stamped on them. I often wonder what the factory workers in China think of the items they assemble.

"What are we working on today, Shang?"

Shang picks up a glowing solar frog and shrugs. "Maybe it is to warn against nuclear fall-out."


And lastly, what is a better way to impress upon friends and loved ones that you are totally not a psychopathic serial killer--than to hang a human brain ornament on your Christmas tree? Don't ask what happened to Dinky, Santa's missing elf.


If you want a good gift instead--try a book. In fact try one of mine. They're all good. And, as a special Christmas offer, my ebook Blue Eyes and Other Teenage Hazards will be available on Amazon for .99. This price will only last for a couple of weeks. (Or longer if I forget to change it back.)

http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Other-Teenage-Hazards-ebook/dp/B006HN8MSG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324364968&sr=8-1


Merry Christmas everyone!

23 comments:

Melissa said...

You have to admit that these would all make excellent white elephant gifts though...

Stephanie Black said...

Thanks for the last-minute gift ideas! :)

Janette Rallison said...

The pooping desk guy is supposedly a best seller. I'm thinking maybe a lot of dissatisfied employees are giving it to their boss . . .

Julie Wright said...

the book is definitely the winner here :) But then it would be a winner among any kind of gift

Janette Rallison said...

Ah, Julie, you're so nice!

Tristi Pinkston said...

I was wondering what to get for certain people ...

Rebecca H. Jamison said...

Great ideas, and, yes, I would prefer the book.

Tiana Smith said...

I don't know what all the fuss is about ... I don't see anything wrong with any of those gifts!!! In fact, I gave that shark hat to my hubby for our anniversary and he wears it all the time, after only a minimal amount of goading and guilt-tripping on my part! ;) (Wouldn't that be horrible if it were true?)

Stephonie said...

Hahaha! Cute!
I have gotten a Screaming Monkey Slingshot for Christmas.
I have also gotten a Mid-East taxi Bulb Horn for a Christmas gift.

Susan Corpany said...

Janette,
Thanks for starting my day off with a good belly laugh. I actually gave Zombie Mints to one of our boys and Han Solo trapped in a giant chocolate bar to another. Any my husband is getting the Dr. Who Tardis charging port. ThinkGeek helps me find those hard-to-find gifts for our collection of sci-fi nerds, so I am feeding the problem.

Taffy said...

I think Grandma would love the sling...
Why did I not know of this Blue Eyes book?? I gifting it to myself right now.
Hope you have a great Christmas, Janette!

CJ Hill said...

Zombie mints and screaming monkey slingshots? I'm trying to imagine the board meeting where people came up with these ideas. ("Hey, everybody loves monkeys, let's make one into a screaming slingshot!")

Where do I get one of those jobs?

Rachelle said...

Oh my heck! Those are hilarious. I went out and bought your book! Thanks for the early Christmas gift idea for me!!

Liz said...

Happy Christmas...I get a book...and one I'll actually WANT to read!

Not sure what mailing list you're on...but pretty sure all my relatives shop there...

Are people selling addesses from ward/stake directories?!

Julianne Donaldson said...

My aunt gave me the jar with glowing fireflies in it a few years ago. No joke! I never knew what to do with it, so I let my kids break it and then threw it away.

CJ Hill said...

Julie, that is too funny that you actually got one of these gifts. (It's been around for that long? Seriously?) And Liz, well, someone in the population has to be buying the stuff. Now we know who.

Jessie Clark said...

I was really thinking about those nuclear frogs, but settled on buying myself your book instead. Is it an updated version of Deep Blue Eyes and Other Lies, or do they just have the blue eyes in common?
P.S. I do get some of these gifts. Stupid.com, that's where my mother in law does her stocking stuffer shopping. They're good for a laugh and we all know not to take them seriously!

CJ Hill said...

Yep, it's a rewrite. Deep Blue Eyes was the first book I wrote--oh, about 17 years ago, and I'm embarrassed to admit that a lot of it was poorly written. I tried to fix that. If you want a lesson on writing, get both copies and compare them. It will show you what I wish I had known about writing back then.

Stephanie Abney said...

You're so much fun, Janette!! Loved this post!

Jeff Hardy said...

nice post. Now you can use this india b2b marketplace to promote christmas gifts import & export business.

Questa said...

I agree with almost everything - except the shark hat. One of my dreams in life was, and still is, to own a shark hat.

Betty Sue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Betty Sue said...

Last Christmas my best friend gave me a really nice wooden Christmas ornament. It had my name and a picture of us engraved on it, she got one too! It was super cool and I found out that this company out in Colorado called Unique Custom Products made it. I will definitely be ordering from them this year ...check out their website if you like wooden items @ www.custom-christmasornaments.com.